| Dealing with Snakes |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (blood@thirsty.net) |
2008/07/17 08:31 |
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From: "::darkshadows::" <blood@thirsty.net>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: Dealing with Snakes
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Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2008 14:31:20 GMT
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Dealing with Snakes
How the British armed Forces deal with Snakes:
1.Infantry: Tracks Snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly
leaves area, travelling upwind.
2.Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.
3.Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.
4.Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on
primary objective: to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.
5.Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake.
Eats snake
6.Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing
snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility
assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug
by infantry and drowns.
7.Artillery: Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree
blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared
successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.
8.Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign
Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its
heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses
9.Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table.
Dissects snake.
10.Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of
snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on
how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting
anti-snake operations.
11.TA: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.
12.RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20
Harriers, and RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies
Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and
manicure.
13.Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of
snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity
as low. Dies of snake-bite.
14.Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year Study by Anderson
staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20%
Output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service
messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star
tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all
messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and
campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and
retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions.
Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding
clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300
married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian
Armed Forces.
15.Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer
ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be
supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to
meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the
aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds
over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from
the USA for billion.
16.Adjutant General: Determines that the snake is not black, female,
homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.
17. Ministry of Defence: Initially denies knowledge of snake, but
subsequently admits that snake was acquired on advice of intelligence
services and secret legal advice. Announces inquiry which will lead to
prosecution of service personnel who handled snake, whilst exonerating
government ministers.
18. The Scum: Invents lurid story about soldiers from 'elite' RLC
laundry unit taking part in strange rituals involving snakes.
19. Phil Shiner: Travels to snake's location and offers to represent
snake in action against the Army, but is run over by armour as
indistinguishable from other snakes.
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