Steven Wright One-Liners
1. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.
2. Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my
shadow.
3. I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in
front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
4. He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not
right now."
5. I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk
through into another dimension.
6. I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely
abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
7. My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to
move to New York.
8. I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
9. I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
10. I'm so hyper... (Said with a very dull voice.)
11. If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
12. Four years ago... No, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that
wasn't me. Sometimes I... No, I don't.
13. Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
14. A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you
were here."
15. Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up,
and smile for a satellite picture.
16. I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
17. Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way
to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.
18. I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says,
"Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also
have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People
ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
19. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
20. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
21. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
22. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
23. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on
all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.
24. It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd
just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
25. When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
26. I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said,
"What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
27. I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that
much time.
28. I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
the statues that are in all the other museums.
29. I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy
With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
30. One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had
been done by children. They had all the paintings up on
refrigerators.
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