A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the
States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time
and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent
the best one she could find, along with several dozen
lesson & music books.
Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door.
"Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look
at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make
love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"
The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First,
let's hear you play that harmonica."
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A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part
of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines,
the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen
to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air
and scatter oneself over a wide area."
=====
During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe
for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a
supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a
train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find
a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train
looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was
room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper
looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty
seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked.
The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said,
"can't you see my dog is sitting there"?
He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat.
He found himself back at the same place.
"Lady I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold
your dog if I can sit down", he said.
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant".
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally
said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months
with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and
hold your dog?"
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you
are also obnoxious."
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog,
threw it out the window, and sat down.
The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat
spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the
lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do
a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you
hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the
wrong bitch out of the window."
=====
At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out,
"Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your
brother died last night."
The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. "Sergeant," he said
afterwards, "that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic
news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future,"
The sergeant shrugged. "Yes sir. I'll try to remember that." He didn't
look very convinced.
Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the
troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward.
"Let me take this one, sergeant", he said. He turned toward the
sleepy-looking soldiers and said, "Platoon, atten-HUT !" They came to
attention. "Good morning, men!" he said. "Good morning, sir", they
replied. "Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you will be
calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all of you
who are fortunate enough to still have a mother who's alive and well,
take two steps forward. Private Jones; not so fast!"
=====
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army
days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that
when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap,
click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company
presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first.
"Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."
=====
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