A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a
fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary
money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a
turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the
public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and
after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth
owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he
had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was
a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the
drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead
a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered
off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than
before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the
drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was
given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third
attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in
the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three
times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time
there was an onlooker with good eyesight."That's fantastic", the
man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to
the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic!
Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this
magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"
"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me
another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
=====
"What's the difference between the North American porcupine
and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the
zookeeper.
"The principal difference is the North American species has a
longer prick."
This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who
stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo
manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate
choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the
North American species has a longer *quill*. In fact, their
pricks are just about the same size."
=====
You know why a dog licks his ass?
Because he knows in five minutes he'll be licking your face.
=====
A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. "This is a talking dog,"
he said. "And you can have him for five dollars." The neighbour said,
"Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There
ain't no such animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me,
Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never
bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest
trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and
was decorated ten times."
"Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him
for just five dollars?" "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired
of all his lies."
=====
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