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| ::darkshadows:: (blood@thirsty.net) |
2008/06/10 21:23 |
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Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an
impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing
their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator
held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he
announced, "Called in Sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee,
who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he
said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been
sick!"
=====
MAKES YOU WONDER HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE !!!
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her
floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When
inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was
shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a
credit card! number, so she was using the ATM
"thingy".
=====
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too
swift. One day she was typing and turned to a
secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took her
last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
=====
Think of this guy the next time you think you are having a bad day!
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to
Laughline, who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest.
Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had
bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at
work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you
realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with
a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the
bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm
is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This
$20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to
a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through
a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a
damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working is, I take the
hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole
suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to
itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out
from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had
happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped
it into my
suit.
Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When
I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into my ass.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5
other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I
aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops
totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my
chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was
wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter
running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub
it on my ass as soon as I get in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for 2 days because my
asshole was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass!
Tight lines and calm seas,
Richard
=====
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you
whether you are qualified to be a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and
close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple
things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in
the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think
through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the
refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the
Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your
mistakes. According to a Worldwide Consulting Company, around 90% of
the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many
preschoolers got several correct answers. The Consulting Company says
this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have
the brains of a four-year-old.
=====
Being "Twenty-something"
They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going
along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things
about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start
feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but
then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those
friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the
greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch
with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is
that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean
or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought
you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing
that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and
find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize
that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly
adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.
One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and
cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared
and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on
to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting
further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where
you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do
such damage to you. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet
anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you
love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you
are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.
One nightstands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting
wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go
through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with
your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a
decision.
You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for
yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd
just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it.
We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as
we can to figure this whole thing out.
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