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From: "::darkshadows::" <blood@thirsty.net>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: Joke Time
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Date: Sun, 08 Jun 2008 07:32:47 GMT
Xref: news.nzbot.com alt.fan.rolex:6732
A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog
waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses
down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy
immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie
biscuit which he starts to offer to Fido.
A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes
this happening and interrupts, "Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of
the fact that your dog just pissed all down the leg of your pants?"
"Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit", replies the
blind man.
"Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're no
going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!"
To which the blind fellow chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm
just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"
=====
A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a
giraffe walked in.
"Get a load of her" said the mouse, "what a babe!"
"Well, why not try your luck?" replied the lion.
So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her.
Within five minutes they're out the door and into the night.
The next day, the lion was drinking in the bar, when the mouse
staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out, and can hardly hold
himself up. The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink
down his throat and said, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you
leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?"
The mouse replied, "Yeah, she was really something, we went out to
dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to
her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I've never had a night like
it!"
"But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asked the lion.
"Well" said the mouse, "between the kissing and the screwing, I must
have run a thousand miles!"
=====
Did you hear about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer?
He could run as fast as Rudolph, he just couldn't stop as fast.
=====
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the
bartender. "If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is
my beer on the house?" "We'll See," says the bartender. So the guy
pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the
bar, and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender,
"but I'll need to see more." "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls
out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River." A patron jups up from
mhis table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you
$100 right now for the frog." "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes
the bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the
bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune." "Not really," says the
guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
=====
What are the five reasons for not wanting to be an egg ?
1) You only get laid once.
2) You only get eaten once.
3) It takes you seven min. to get hard in boiling water.
4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.
=====
Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who
should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting
up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had
to go up and say something to him. "Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's
the tractor selling business these days?" If Chris had looked sad
before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and
a tear came to his eye. "John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't
know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life.
I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll
lose that dealership for good." "Well," John said, taking the barstool
next to him, "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you
listen to this...." "I went out to the barn the other morning to milk
Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no
sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol'
Bes starts a slappin' me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got
fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol'
Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work." "I didn't even
get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me
clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope
an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and
get a started trying to milk her again." "Well by this time, Bessy's
about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have
it with her other hind leg. I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow,
so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy's left leg
to the other side of the stall." Just then John paused to take a sip
his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked
John, "Well, did you finally get to milk her?" "Well, yes and no,
Chris. But I'll tell ya what... If you can convince my wife that I was
out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from ya....!"
=====
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