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Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: Re: Keeping the Funny Bone alive
From: WingedMessenger <Boy@FlyingHigh.com>
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Date: Tue, 03 Jun 2008 05:26:52 GMT
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"::darkshadows::" <blood@thirsty.net> wrote in
news:nou8445mpd7jvh29s4h6518fsl6ape2rh8@4ax.com:
>
>
> If men had PMS, what would happen?
>
> a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
> b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent
> disability.
> c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
> d) All of the above.
>
>
> =====
>
>
> What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
>
> Put the remote control between his toes.
>
>
> =====
>
>
> What is the meaning of life?
>
> All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.
>
>
> =====
>
> Try banging it by mistake and then laugh LOL.
Mercury.
> Why do men take showers instead of baths?
>
> Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
>
>
> =====
>
>
> What is the last thing to go through the mind of a mosquito when it
> hits your windscreen?
>
> It's ass.
>
>
> =====
>
>
> How did Revlon come up with it's brunette hair color?
>
> By studying what oil spills did to seaweed.
>
>
> =====
>
>
> Moe: My wife converted me to religion.
> Joe: Really?
> Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.
>
>
> ===
>
>
> Why does an elephant have four feet?
>
> Because it would look silly with six inches.
>
>
> ===
>
>
> Q: What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand?
> A: Kermit's undivided attention.
>
>
> =====
>
> WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE
> by Matt Groening
> RELATIONSHIPS:
> When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out
> to
> her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
> Idiots".
> Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble
> letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a
> Saturday
> night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you
> ruined
> my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a
> total
> floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for
> us."
> This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call,
> and
> 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community
> colleges
> that offer courses to help men get over this need.
> SEX:
> Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
> foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
> foreplay.
> MATURITY:
> Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
> function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading
> baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This
> is why high school romances rarely work out.
> MAGAZINES:
> Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
> magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
> the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
> is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
> Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most
> naked men elicit laughter from women.
> HANDWRITING:
> To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
> chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they
> dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously
> large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a
> note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a
> smiley face at the end of the note!!!
> BATHROOMS:
> A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,
> razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
> average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.
> A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
> GROCERIES:
> A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the
> store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left
> in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery
> shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man
> reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
> Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not
> stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
> CATS:
> Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
> looking, men kick cats.
> LAUNDRY:
> Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
> article
> of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip
> about
> eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
> out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
> U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men
> always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a
> myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American
> Style."
> THE TELEPHONE:
> Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
> telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can
> visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she
> will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
> RICHARD GERE:
> Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
> Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
> who works at the health club and dates only married women.
> MADONNA:
> Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
> LOCKER ROOMS:
> In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football,
> and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football
> nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories
> about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker-sex. And not
> in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and
> technical, and they never lie.
> MOVIES:
> Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
> This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
> produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in
> the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate
> him.
> TIME:
> When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
> she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the
> football
> game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time
> outs, commercials, or replays.
> FRIENDS:
> Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's
> night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass
> the Doritos or Got any more beer?"
> RESTROOMS:
> Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
> restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak
> a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom
> giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the
> world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying,
> "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join
> me?"
>
>
> ==========
>
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