One of the life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a
woman gain five pounds.
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God made a man and then rested. God made a woman and then no one
rested
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What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
Beat it! We're closed...
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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt
her.
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Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup
with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into
the room.
Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her!
I'd recognize her anywhere!"
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These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is
barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is
looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on
someone's front lawn.
"Look", he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?"
The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex.
Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?"
The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex
doggie style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its pretty
cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife
a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual
position."
The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try. The
next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the
passenger asks, "Well, how did it go?" To which the driver replies,
"It was great.
But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."
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The other day I went to the local religious book store,
where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it
and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I
did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the
light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the
Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper
sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.
Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY
love the lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and
yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a
football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!!!"
Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and
waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have
been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him
yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a
funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed,
looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the
Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him
the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice black
man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear
him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or
"Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must
really love the lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in
the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were
walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I
noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a
good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the
intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way
out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian
good luck sign, as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such
wonderful folks.
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This aussie caught this Kiwi having a bit of fun with a sheep.....
"Mate", the aussie said, "Over there we shear them".
The kiwi replied, "Mate, I'm not shearing this with innyone"
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