What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two
minute ride!
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A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks 'Do you do custom work?'
'Why of course!'
'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my
right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of
my left thigh.'
'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get
up on the table.'
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes.
The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.
'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.
'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I
can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop
and grabs the first man off the street he can find;
it happens to be the town drunk.
'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading
her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'
The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes
and says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are,
but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!'
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A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed
when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my
penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally or as a suppository,...
it's up to you!"
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A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex
products.
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures
baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The
hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide.
"The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the
nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are
manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise.
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the
'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says
the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
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In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to
go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think
of for making sex."
The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how
many positions did you come up with?"
Johnny says, "Seventy-three."
The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very
good..."
She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about
you?"
Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy
just lays on top of the girl."
Johnny yells, "Seventy-four."
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