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Subject: More Joke and Other Things
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Date: Sun, 25 May 2008 03:54:14 GMT
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Definition of bad lover:
An earthquake occurs during sex. Afterwards he asks the woman if she
felt the earth move. She says no.
-----------------
What do you get if you sleep under a cow?
A PAT on the head.
*****Courtesy of Bevo for Mercury*****
------------------
Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.
------------------
What do you get if you cross your missus with a pit bull?
Your very last headjob.
------------------
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him.
Then tell him to pick only one
-------------------
Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the
road and hit a tree near Cotton Plant on State Highway 38 early Monday
morning
Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little
Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center.
The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a
cat-gigging trip. (Note to city slickers, cat-gigging, or
cat-sticking, is how, armed with a small pitchfork), you catch cats
from the bayou bank.
Cats make a tasty supper.
On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights
malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the
older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not
available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol
fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column.
Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate and
the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White river Bridge.
After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the
river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole
in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right,
exiting the pavement and striking the tree. Poole suffered only minor
cuts and abrasions, but will require surgery to repair the other
wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and
released.
Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or
we might now be dead, 'said Wallis.
"I've been a trooper for I0 years in this part of the world," said
Deputy Snyder, "but this is a first for me. I cant believe that those
two would admit how the accident happened."
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavina, Poole's wife, asked how many
cats the boys had caught, and did anyone think to get them from the
truck.
--------------------
"The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never
worshipped anything but himself." -- Sir Richard F. Burton
---------------------
The company sergent is briefing the recruits:
"For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father,
and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so you
know what that makes you..."
--------------------
Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear
walked out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them.
The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running
shoes, then began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bear
slowly approached them. The second man looked at the first,
confused, and said, "What are you doing? Running shoes aren't
going to help, you can't outrun that bear." "I don't need to," said
the first man, "I just need to outrun you."
---------------------
Category: Situations Send this joke to a friend
Noah And Today's Ark
The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going
to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and
all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good
people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering
you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered
the specifications for the ark.
"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the
blueprints, "I'm your man."
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You
better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long
time!"
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began
to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in
his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt
crashed into the ground right beside Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there
were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for
the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code.
So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into
a long argument with him about whether to include a
fire-sprinkler system."
"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get
a variance from the city planning board."
"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and
Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but
they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."
"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an
animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of
each kind."
"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I
couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact
statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the
idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme
Being."
"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood
plan. I sent them a globe!"
"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire."
"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to
leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I
owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the
ark in less than five years."
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy
the world?" he asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord, "the government already has."
--------------------------------
WHICH CAME FIRST?
Reader said her son, Aaron, who is halfway between 2 and 3, was
looking
at a picture book, pointed at an egg and declared, "Cookie."
"No, no," mother corrected. "That's not a cookie. Look again. What
is
it?"
"Marshmella," Aaron said.
"No, not a marshmallow," mother said. "Think about it. What do
chickens lay?"
Aaron's face lit up. "McNuggets," he shouted triumphantly.
--------------------------
This is not an urban legend, it happened to an RA in our New York
office
This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca
College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is
also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has
never had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her
at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and
they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks
like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape
that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either puking or
defecating. After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking,
but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes to defecate. He
doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever
talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to
New York City (about a 30 minute ride).
They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the
appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers
withoutinterruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another
rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so
he holds it.
After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of
gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right
there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little
bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh shit," he thinks
(and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero
immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on
this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of
dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants... (a)
start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside.
He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the
way, he is walking like a cowboy.. On the way to the train station,
they pass the Gap.
"Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last
week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies.
They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on
the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero
grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis.
After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit,
he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still
on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him
buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through
clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away)
"Just the pants."
"What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (His eyes still trained on his date.)
Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the
store.
They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two
seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses
himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to
the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and
boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the
window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls
out...just the sweater.
**PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD DO IN THIS
SITUATION.**
As you must have realized, the only solution is to wear the sweater as
pants. So he squeezes his legs into the arms of the sweater and pulls
the rest of the fabric tight around his waist. He can only keep
himself covered by hunching over. Walking will be a new challenge
altogether.
Rather than going through the absolute trauma of returning to his seat
and explaining (or creating an elaborate lie to explain) the entire
incident, our hero waits in the bathroom until the train stops at the
next station. He waits until the moment the train starts to pull away
from the station, then dashes out of the bathroom (as quickly as a
hunched over cowboy with sweater pants can dash) and jumps off the
train. He is lost and stranded somewhere between New York City and
Westchester.
He hasn't seen the girl since.
--------------------
The Killer's Apology
Here I sit, upon death row
Electrodes fastened to my toes.
And though I know that I must die
I think I should apologize
To those I know that I have wronged,
Beaten, strangled, stuck with prongs
It was not what I really meant
All those deaths were accidents.
I did not mean to murder Sam
Though I beat him with a ham.
He said the meat was much too dry
So I used his head to tenderize.
And I did not mean to dispatch Sue
by filling both her lungs with glue.
I should have known there were better
Ways for us to stick together.
I have to say I quite regret
Defenestrating my pal Chet.
But really, how was I to know
That window wouldn't just stay closed?
Becky's death -- a random fluke;
My prints were planted on that flute.
And though they searched high and low
They never found that piccolo.
I spare a moment for good ol' Jake
Who I deposited in the lake.
I always thought that he could swim;
I guess the restraints are what did him in.
And oh, how I do miss Peter
Though I stuffed him in a water heater.
He might not have made it in this verse
If I hadn'ta stuck him in head first.
Bonnie, my bonnie, my, what a lass!
Taken down by methane gas.
If I only knew then what I know now:
Don't ever mess with a farting cow.
And I'll admit, the point is moot
Albert I did electrocute.
Children, never take this risk:
Water and toasters just don't mix.
Wendy was an awful neighbor
But I'm sorry about the elevator.
I did not know she was in the thing
When I snipped the cable like a string.
I'd like to remember my good friend Drew
Who I served up in a barbecue.
It was his idea, really, because you see
He always liked to say "Eat Me."
I think I was misunderstood
When I tied up Katie in those woods
She always said she liked the bears
So I put honey in her hair.
Alan claimed he was a jock
So I crushed him with a rock.
His boast that he was made of steel
Was something rather less than real.
No one was more surprised than Joan
That ferrets stripped her to the bone.
Reflecting, I see I was foolhardy
To place bacon up and down her body.
Mike had on an amazing grin
When I set him in liquid nitrogen.
I did not do so for the hell of it;
I wanted to put him in his element.
Bob declared I was a buffoon;
I set him aloft in a weather balloon.
But there is not one who felt more grief
When that balloon popped at 45,000 feet.
Jeremy was timid, Jeremy was shy
I placed him in an oven and set it on fry.
I should have known better, that this was not
The way to help women to think he was hot.
So you see every death was quite accidental
I would not blame you if you thought I was mental.
But I would say that it is rather as such:
My problem was just that I cared too darn much.
Now here I go, to meet my God
And all of my friends that I put in the sod.
I have just one wish, if you lean close to hear:
It's to help them up there as I helped them down here.
-- John Scalzi
copyright(c) John Scalzi
John Scalzi is a columnist and humorist living in Virginia.
For more columns and essays, visit his website: www.scalzi.com
-------------------
Hey Masturbater
(To The Tune Of Macarena)
Sitting in my house and I know that I'm alona,
Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bona,
Go and grab a Penthouse it's the one with Sharon Stona,
Hey Masturbata!!!
I go a little faster and it's feeling kind of nicea,
Once is not enough so I have to do it twicea,
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advicea,
Hey Masturbata!!!
I use some baby oil or a little vaselina,
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet cleana,
Never shake my hand cos you don't know where its beena,
Hey Masturbata!!!
I do it in the car when I'm driving down the streeta,
One hand on the wheel and the other on my meata,
I can't get out the car cos I'm sticking to the seata,
Hey Masturbata!!!
Since I was a kid I have been a mastubater,
Choke the chicken, hum the knob, squeezing the tomata,
I've looked at Miss November, now I'm gonna decorata,
Hey Masturbata!!!!
------------------------
"The graveyards are full of indispensible men."
- Charles de Gaulle
-----------------------
"Men have become the tools of their tools."
- Henry David Thoreau
-----------------------
"By letting go, it all gets done."
- Tao Te Ching
----------------------
"Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy
driving cabs and cutting hair."
- George Burns
-----------------------
"Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better
than we deserve."
- George Bernard Shaw
-----------------------
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu
speech.
- Mark Twain
-----------------------
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