Path: news.nzbot.com!not-for-mail
From: wlg <myaddress@server.co>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: Re: Jokes and other things
References: <ns3f34tfnsocbtu9paqeu490tmoloibboq@4ax.com>
Posted-And-Mailed: yes
User-Agent: MT-NewsWatcher/3.5.2 (PPC Mac OS X)
Date: Sat, 24 May 2008 12:12:56 +0200
Message-ID: <myaddress-438B65.12125624052008@unknown.ams.astraweb.com>
Lines: 276
Organization: Unlimited download news at news.astraweb.com
NNTP-Posting-Host: 639ebfeb.news.astraweb.com
X-Trace: DXC=mZSZne8a<=[?W?WaA<e5APL?0kYOcDh@ZH[iM^\ln3aUH\cC^[Me?XV2Ik90kSV5`Y68T4B<3m]0Qfgkf[Kmo^aQ
Xref: news.nzbot.com alt.fan.rolex:6569
In article <ns3f34tfnsocbtu9paqeu490tmoloibboq@4ax.com>,
"::darkshadows::" <blood@thirsty.net> wrote:
> We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
> - Aesop
>
> -----------------
>
> A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a
> wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But
> she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband
> was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
>
> -------------------
>
> The following is a "history" collected by teachers throughout the
> United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read
> carefully, and you will learn a lot.
>
>
>
> The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They
> lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of
> the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so
> certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The
> Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
> The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
>
> The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
> book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an
> apple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's
> son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob,
> son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch
> who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not
> take it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
>
> Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
> Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which
> is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on
> Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king
> skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race
> of people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David's
> sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
>
> Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks
> invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They
> also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the
> mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became
> intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also
> wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that
> Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by
> Homer but by another man of that name.
>
> Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
> people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
> wedlock.
>
> In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
> biscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral
> wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took
> the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the
> mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what
> their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the
> Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
>
> Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls
> people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
> At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius
> Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of
> March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
> Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects by
> playing the fiddle to them.
>
> Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames.
> King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his
> troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by
> Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their
> necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be
> hanged twice for the same offense.
>
> In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. The
> greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
> versus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William
> Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his
> son's head.
>
> The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt
> the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the
> church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died
> a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the
> painter Donatello's interes in the female nude that made him the
> father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
> discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is
> a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another
> important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis
> Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
>
> The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry
> VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
> Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
> success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all
> shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish
> Armadillo.
>
> The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
> Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of his
> plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,
> comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet
> rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.
> In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kind
> by attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
> couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.
> He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton
> wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise
> Regained.
>
> During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was
> a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
> Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
> Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as
> Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were
> greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops
> before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many
> of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which
> proved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
> settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John
> Smith was responsible for all this.
>
> -------------------
>
> A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves
> an aspirin down his wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and
> yells,
> "What the fuck are you doing?"
> "Just giving you an aspirin for your headache." The bloke answered.
> "But I ain't got a headache," she yelled back.
> "Good then, Lets fuck!" said the bloke.
>
> -------------------
>
> A Redneck's Ode to Valentines Day!
>
>
> Kudzu is green,
> my dog's name is Blue
> And I'm so lucky
> to have a sweet thang like you.
>
> Yore hair is like cornsilk
> A-flapping in the breeze.
> Softer than Blue's
> And without all them fleas.
>
> You move like the bass,
> Which excite me in May.
> You ain't got no scales
> But I luv you anyway.
>
> You're as graceful as okry
> Jist a-dancin' in the pan.
> Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop
> Right out of the can.
>
> You have all yore teeth,
> For which I am proud;
> I hold my head high
> When we're in a crowd.
>
> On special occasions,
> When you shave yore armpits,
> Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
> I'm plumb outta wits.
>
> And speakin' of wits,
> You've got plenty fer shore.
> 'Cuz you married me
> Back in '74.
>
> Still them fellers at work
> They all want to know,
> What I did to deserve
> Such a purty, young doe.
>
> Like a good roll of duct tape
> Yo're there fer yore man,
> To patch up life's troubles
> And stick 'em in the can.
>
> Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
> Racin' through the mud,
> Yet fragile as that sanger
> Named Naomi Judd.
>
> When you hold me real tight
> Like a padded gunrack,
> My life is complete;
> Ain't nuttin' I lack.
>
> Yore complexion, it's perfection,
> Like the best vinyl sidin'.
> Despite all the years,
> Yore age, it keeps hidin'.
>
> And when you get old
> Like a '67 Chevy,
> Won't put you on blocks
> And let grass grow up heavy.
>
> Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
> With a RC cold drank,
> We go together
> Like a skunk goes with stank.
>
> Some men, they buy chocolate
> For Valentine's Day;
> They git it at Wal-Mart,
> It's romantic that way.
>
> Some men git roses
> On that special day
> From the cooler at Kroger.
> "That's impressive," I say.
>
> Some men buy fine diamonds
> From a flea market booth.
> "Diamonds are forever,"
> They explain, suave and couth.
>
> But for this man, honey,
> These will not do.
> For you are too special,
> You sweet thang you.
>
> I got you a gift,
> Without taste nor odor,
> Better than diamonds
> it's a new trollin' motor.
>
> ------------------
>
> "He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit."
>
> ------------------
>
> "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." --
> - Lily Tomlin
>
> -----------------
>
> "Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman
> giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped."
> -- Sam Levenson (1911-1980)
>
> -----------------
>
> The simple step of a courageous individual is not to
> take part in the falsehood. One word of truth outweighs
> the world.
> - Alexander Solzhenitsyn
>
> ------------------
>
> Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble
> their food, and tyrannize their teachers. What will become of them?
> This world is truly coming to an end.
> - Socrates
>
> -----------------
>
> "Give me chastity and continence, but not yet. "
> - Saint Augustine (354-430)
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The "History" collection sounds liked "The Collected Works of George. W.
Bush"
|
|