| Story Time |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (blood@thirsty.net) |
2008/05/13 11:03 |
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From: "::darkshadows::" <blood@thirsty.net>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: Story Time
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Date: Tue, 13 May 2008 17:03:03 GMT
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Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the
truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a
head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By
then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to
adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no
problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I
heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! The
garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower
(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me
in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement
about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I
crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It
is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay,
it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she
spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and
stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second
I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and
snagged them with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while
rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a
kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes
faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament,
choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and
cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been
fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to
conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I
kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.
"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.
============
A sign seen over the toilet paper dispenser in a military "latrine"
(bathroom): "Another quality product of the 3M company, sandpaper
division."
=============
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
(Tom, 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love."
(Roger, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take
out the trash." (Randy, 8)
================
Judges don't always seem to make sense. A man found himself in front
of a judge on two matters. In the first, the man's wife was trying to
get a divorce because he was impotent. In the second, his secretary
wanted child support. The man lost both cases!
================
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one
minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an
additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
=======================================
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