| Southern Relocation |
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| ::darkshadows:: (blood@thirsty.net) |
2008/03/26 20:22 |
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From: "::darkshadows::" <blood@thirsty.net>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: Southern Relocation
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Date: Thu, 27 Mar 2008 02:22:25 GMT
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Southern Relocation
If you are from the Northern states and planning on visiting or moving
to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help
you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a
four-wheel drive pickup truck with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain
will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their
way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "ya'll" is singular, "all ya'll" is plural, and "all
ya'll's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is
short for "Ya'll oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying
"No!"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They
can't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," as in "big'ol
truck" or big'ol boy." Most Northerners begin their
Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about
it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this," stay out
of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local
grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You
just have to go there.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the
road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and
that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns
and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to
aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush, green
lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will
accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the
oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
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