Letters to Santa
1. Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all
yeer. YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare
specialist.
How 'bout I send you a f****** book so you can learn to read and
write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
2. Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
3. Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.
Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
4. Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the
babysitter?
He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son!
Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
5. Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon
cards than me.
Please see what you can do. Love, Michelle
Dear Michelle,
It blows my f****** mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy
hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you
snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you
something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
Santa
6. Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes,
a dog, a drum kit,a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
7. Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face.
You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some
Toblerone.
Santa
8. Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend
most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my
cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
9. Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your
house...
Santa
10. Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE.
Timmy
Timmy, That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that
crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
11. Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky Mark
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your
ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a
low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside
your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
Santa
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