| GRAB BAG [10.3] |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (bloody@mary.org) |
2007/10/03 18:58 |
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From: "::darkshadows::" <bloody@mary.org>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: GRAB BAG [10.3]
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GRAB BAG [10.3]
******************
JOKES+STORIES
=============
Should I have a baby after 35?
No, 35 children is enough.
-----
Six stages of married life:
1: Tri-weekly
2: Try weekly
3: Try weakly
4. Try oysters
5: Try anything
6: Try to remember
------------
A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather
coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for
a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders
of a passer-by in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist
his head off. The passer-by was treated at a local
hospital for a sprained neck.
------------
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
------------
Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
------------
Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?
Scared the hell out of the dog.
------------
NOTE: I don't know how anyone could write this with a straight face!
This was an actual memo sent at an unnamed computer company to its
employees. It went to all the company's field engineers, and it was
in
regard to a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was
quite serious; the engineers rolled on the floor! (Especially note
the
last sentence!)
INSTRUCTIONS FOR REPLACING MOUSE BALLS
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform
erratically,
it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by
properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the
mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method.
Domestic
balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive
handling
can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
immediately.
It is recommended each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining
optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should
contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these
necessary items.
------------
Women ! Who can figure 'em out ? Now that the kids are grown and
gone,
my wife sez she needs more "outside interests". I thought I'd
surprise
her and presented her with a brand new fancy lawn mower, just the
other day.
Now, she's mad with me.
------------
Heather works with a Russian gent who is trying to learn
the idiomatic phrases of English. At the end of the workday
another worker always comes in the office and asks if there's
anything they can do for us before they leave. A girl jokingly
said once, "Yeah, you can go to the bathroom for me." The
next day, the Russian gent (trying to fit in) decided to answer
"can we do something for you before we leave?" and he said,
"Yes, take my dick to the bathroom."
------------
IDIOTS IN SERVICE
This week, all our phones went dead and I had to call the phone repair
people. They promised to be out between 8 a.m. and 7 p.m.
When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window,he asked and
I quote, "Would you like us to call before we come?"
He also requested that we report future outages by email. Does YOUR
email work without a telephone line??????
**********
POEMS
=====
One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.
----------
Unix Man -- by Beatles
--------
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX .plans
For nobody.
Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?
UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me
At all?
UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX .plans
For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX .plans
For nobody.
**********
QUOTES
======
ON EXCUSES
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
-- Joe Walsh
----------
It's like deja vu all over again."
It's like deja vu all over again."
- Yogi Berra
----------
"... I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called
me a
paranoid little weirdo... in morse code..."
-- Unknown, via Bruce Alcorn
----------
* Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
----------
I don't buy temporary insanity as they murder defense. Because people
kill people. That's and animal instinct. I think breaking into
someone's home and ironing all their clothes is temporary insanity.
*******************
Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex
to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
"Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside
ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear
yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol
coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that
it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the
shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:
"Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one
of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through"
it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your
beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see
wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host
body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. Tell the stupid-fucking OJ knock, knock joke & laugh at it.
51. As you are walking out, push as many buttons as you can.
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