AIRLINE QUOTES:
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-
flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort
and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
******
On landing the stewardess said,
"Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave
anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
******
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane."
******
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
******
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
******
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because,
after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
******
>From a Southwest Airlines employee:
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat
belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works
just like every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate
one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
******
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than
one small child, pick your favourite."
******
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
******
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
******
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children...or other adults acting like children."
******
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
******
And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants
in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
******
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here
to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
******
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your
seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate!"
******
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
******
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He
said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had got off except for a little old lady
walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am,"
said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land
or were we shot down?"
******
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against
the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."
******
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
******
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom:
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but
while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee
and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"
Rolex
"May Dragons Fly Ever in your Dreams"
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