| GRAB BAG [7.27.07] |
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| ::darkshadows:: (bloody@mary.org) |
2007/07/27 14:23 |
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From: "::darkshadows::" <bloody@mary.org>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: GRAB BAG [7.27.07]
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Date: Fri, 27 Jul 2007 20:23:47 GMT
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JOKES:
A man rented a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in
the desert. There was only one camel available, and it had one little
problem, the guy told him. Periodically, this camel would stop and
refuse to move until somebody beat it off. The man is desperate, so he
decides he will go along with that. He sets off into the desert. Sure
as hell, he has to beat off the camel every day for the first three
days. On the fourth day, the camel stops again and refuses to move, so
the guy gets down and prepares to do his duty, but the camel quickly
steps aside. He tries again, And again. Finally in exasperation he
walks in front of the camel and says "For Christ's sake, what do you
want now?" The camel puckers up and makes little sucking noises.
----------
A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant,
sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender
serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron.
The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The
bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had
what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning
over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty
cents," the man answers.
----------
Forty years later, they're in the same hotel room they spent their
honeymoon in. She takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed,
spreads her legs...
Her husband looks at her and he begins to weep uncontrollably.
She says, "What's the matter?"
He says, "Forty years ago, I couldn't wait to eat it, and now, NOW..."
"Now?" she asks.
"Now, it looks like it can't wait to eat ME!"
----------
"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY"
So what ? Who's in a hurry ?
----------
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market
looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster,
one that could service all of his many hens.
He told this to the market vendor. The vendor replied, "I have just
the rooster for you". Dom here is the horniest rooster you will ever
see!"
So the farmer took Dom back to the farm. Before setting him loose
in the henhouse though, he gave Dom a little pep talk.
"Dom", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff."
And without a word Dom strutted into the henhouse. Dom was as fast
as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was
much squawking and many feathers flying, till Dom had finished having
his way with each hen.
But Dom didn't stop there. He went in to the barn and mounted all the
horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to
the pighouse, where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop,
Dom,you'll kill yourself."
But Dom continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Dom lying there
on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and
his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Dom.
The farmer walked up to Dom saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you
did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy."
"Shhhhh," Dom whispered. "The buzzard's getting closer."
----------
A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash.
She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rolls
around, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog. The
drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of
vomit, and slurs, "I don't remember eating that!"
=======================
POEM:
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
========================
QUOTES:
The man who fears no truths has nothing to fear from lies.
- Thomas Jefferson
----------
Time's fun when you're having flies.
- Kermit the Frog
----------
"An artist is a person who can hold two contradictory thoughts in his
mind at the same time"
----------
Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
that way.
----------
Olin Miller:
"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if
you could know how seldom they do."
----------
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
===============================
LIST:
Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Week of Class
1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling
noises.
2. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and
scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
3. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
4. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a
student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
5. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a
question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't
hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
6. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand
them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the
lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
7. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their
responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book
while muttering "tsk, tsk".
8. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
9. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class
whether your butt looks fat.
10. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
11. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus
class.
Giggle throughout it.
12. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention
hotline number on the board.
13. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all
questions.
14. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's
"Sex Machine."
15. Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps
would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
16. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone
book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
17. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead
of you as you pace back and forth.
18. Address students as "worm".
19. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any
moment.
20. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping,
and begin singing spirituals.
21. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a
waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
22. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's
name, rank, and serial number.
23. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and
announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
24. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks
a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
25. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space
for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your
sentence and proceed normally.
26. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone
asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions
with your hands.
27. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
28. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
29. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite
numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".
30. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their
class projects.
31. Inform your English class that they need to know FORTRAN and
code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
32. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers
McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question,
walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
33. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
34. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular
intervals.
35. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the
teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office
hours.
36. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you
lecture.
37. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
38. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks"
every ten minutes.
39. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or
"fake the funk".
40. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and
deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
41. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral
hygiene.
42. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be
required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark
through Armenia, for next class.
43. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet.
Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
44. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your
tie.
45. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
46. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
47. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to
keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about
"that bug I picked up in the field".
48. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream,
"Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"
49. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for
attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday
was the last day to drop.
50. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base
11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after
yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who
don't use it.
51. Use a graduate student to bang cymbals every time your name is
mentioned.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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