| GRAB BAG [7.26.07] |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| darkshadows (some@where.net) |
2007/07/26 14:25 |
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From: darkshadows <some@where.net>
Subject: GRAB BAG [7.26.07]
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Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2007 20:25:10 GMT
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JOKES:
What do you call rabbits marching backwards?
A receding hare line.........
----------
Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like
forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing.
Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you taking so
long to make this shot?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make
this shot a good one," said Bob.
"Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from
here."
----------
Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.
Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.
***And a year older
----------
During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese.
A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the
captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke
or something - at least they would die laughing.
The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I
could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?"
The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed
it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore
the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator.
As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well,
the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The navigator told him.
The captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that dick of yours.
The torpedo missed!"
=======================================================
STORIES:
The following are actual stories told by travellers from
Mendocino County, CA to travel agents in the UK. (And you wonder why US
citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on
geography...)
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando
is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. > I looked
on the map and Florida is a very thin state." A client called in
inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost
info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then
take the train to Hawaii?" I got a call from a woman who wanted to go
to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the
passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to
make you look stupid but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying
to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is
in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response... click. A
secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me
various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had her
fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New
Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that
New Orleans was a suburb of LA Worst of all, when I called her back,
she was not even embarrassed.
I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from
Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I
pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour lay-over in
Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard
Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates
to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that
her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.
I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she
could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the
plane went very fast, and she bought that! A woman called and asked,
"Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know
who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She
replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on
my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was
actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno
is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her
luggage. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know
which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he
replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes
have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a
commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever." A business man called and
had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a
visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to
have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay
required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to
China four times and every time they have accepted my American
Express."
----------
English comedian John Cleese, of Monty Python fame, was asked to describe
the difference between British and American people. In reply Cleese said
that there were three basic differences from the British viewpoint:
1. "We speak English and you don't."
2. "When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite
teams from other countries to play, as well." 3. "When you meet the head
of state in Great Britain, you only have to go down on one knee."
----------
On February 3, 1990, a Renton (Seattle area) man tried to commit a
robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by his lack of
a record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choice:
1.The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gunshop;
2.The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
fraction of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed
handguns in public places;
3.To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked King County
Police patrol car parked at the front door;
4.An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired
a few wild shots.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene
pool.
Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else
was hurt.
==========================
QUOTES:
This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use
whatsoever. - Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)
----------
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
----------
The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
-- Plutarch
----------
Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain
========================
LIST:
Chinese vs. English
1. Ai Bang Mai Ne I bumped into the coffee table
2. Ar U Wun Tu A gay liberation greeting
3. Chin Tu Fat You need a face lift
4. Dum Gai A stupid person
5. Gun Pao Der An ancient Chinese invention
6. Hu Flung Dung Which one of you fertilized the field?
7. Hu Yu Hai Ding We have reason to believe you are harboring a
fugitive
8. Jan Ne Ka Sun A former late night talk show host
9. Kum Hia Approach me
10. Lao Ze Sho Gilligan's Island
11. Lao Zi Not very good
12. Lin Ching An illegal execution
13. Moon Lan Ding A great achievement of the American space
program
14. Ne Ahn A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
15. Shai Gai A bashful person
16. Tai Ne Bae Be A premature infant
17. Tai Ne Po Ne A small horse
18. Ten Ding Ba Serving drinks to people
19. Wan Bum Lung A person with T.B.
20. Yu Mai Te Tan Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
21. Wa Shing Kah Cleaning an automobile
22. Wai So Dim Are you trying to save electricity?
23. Wai U Shao Ting There is no reason to raise your voice
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