JOKES:
What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A rabbi cuts it off, and a priest sucks it off. What's the difference
between a rabbi and a priest?
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A woman orders a chicken sandwhich and starts to choke. People are running
frantically, trying to figure out what to do. Two homosexuals sitting in
the corner wisper to each other and run in front of the choking lady. One
strips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in front of his friend.
His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass. Upon seeing this, the lady
vomits forcing the lodged food from her throat. After making sure the lady
is OK, the two homosexuals return to their food.
One turns to the other and says,
"Wow, that hind-lick manuever really works!"
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So the elephant says to the naked man . . .
"You breathe through that little thing?"
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More Jesse news...
Public Statement by the Rev. Jesse Jackson
Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of
procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to the
population for my act of copulation. I gave in to temptation, for the
anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through
masturbation, resulted in my fornication. I accepted her invitation, and
provided her with excitation, stimulation, penetration, replication, and
liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation) and I wore
condoms to avoid contamination.
She cried for duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite her
fascination with variation. This has caused me great aggravation, and the
agitation and provocation of the media has resulted in my humiliation,
denigration, and degradation. My wife is considering castration, which
would require my hospitalization.
Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and
rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation
will not result in revocation and termination. I hope this proclamation
has provided illumination and verification and will prohibit further
provocation.
Sincerely,
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
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How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a round room and tell her to pee in the corner.
How do you confuse her even more?
Ask her where she went.
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Q. Where is an elephants sex organ ?
A. In his feet. If he steps on you, you're fucked !
====================
STORIES:
Bumper sticker seen on a stealth bomber:
"If you can read this, then we wasted 50 billion bucks."
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Last winter I was laid up at home with the flu. My fiancee' called and
volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to me. I
declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her. "Okay honey", she told
me, "Will wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest of
our lives making each other sick!"
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PORTLAND, OR - A man was admitted to an emergency clinic with severe
bruising and lacerations on his penis and testicles, caused in an accident
involving a hand held vacuum cleaner. The man had been vacuuming, wearing
only a bathrobe, when he tripped, having been distracted because his robe
fell open. "It always does that," he said. "I keep meaning to rig up some
kind of tie for it, but I never do. I guess I'll get around to it now." He
fell on the vacuum and the small beater bar of the device caused enough
damage to require fifteen stitches and an overnight stay at the clinic.
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An Issaquah, Washington man apparently became frustrated with his personal
computer, pulled out a gun and shot it. The computer, located in the man's
home office, had four bullets holes in its hard drive and one in the
monitor. Police evacuated the man's townhouse complex, contacted the irate
PC owner by phone, and persuaded him to come out. "We don't know if it
wouldn't boot up or what," says one of the police officers at the scene.
St. Petersburg Times - July 20, 1997
=======================
QUOTES:
We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course,
powerful muscles, but no personality.
- Albert Einstein
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Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country.
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
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Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde
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Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
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Nurturing:
The biggest problem in the world could have been solved when it was small.
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny
Youngman
====================
LIST:
Bathroom Sayings
1. Here I sit, in the hall of vapors.
Some darn fool done stole the papers.
The bell has rung I must not linger.
Look out ass here comes my finger.
(Variation) Here I sit in deadly vapor,
Wishing for some toilet paper.
How long, I wonder, must I linger,
Before I'm forced to use my finger?
(Variation) Here I sit
In the halls
of Vapor.
Some darn fool
Done stole
the Paper
(Variation) Here I sit,
In the vapor.
Last guy in,
Used all the paper!
2. Found printed on a condom machine.
"This is the worst chewing-gum I have ever ate!"
3. Seen written on a stall in a men's bathroom:
"My wife follows me everywhere."
Written just below it:
"I do not."
4. Those who write on bathroom walls,
Roll their shit in little balls.
And you who read these words of wit,
Eat those little balls of shit.
5. Here I sit, broken hearted
Came to shit and only farted.
Wasted a dime, but what the hell,
At least I can sit, and enjoy the smell.
(Variation) Here I sit, broken hearted,
Paid a dime and only farted.
The next time I took a chance,
Saved a dime and shit my pants.
(Variation) Here I sit lonely hearted,
Tried to shit, but only farted.
Back at my desk I take a chance,
Tried to fart, but shit my pants.
6. Found this on a condom machine at a local tavern.
"For a full refund, please deposit baby here!"
7. Be like Pop,
Not like Sis.
Lift the lid,
Before you Piss!
8. Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink.
I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the writing on the walls.
(Variation) Some come here to sit and think
And write upon the wall.
I come here to shit and stink
And scratch my hairy balls.
9. What do you call Willy Wonka's bathroom?
The candy man can.
10. Women's bathroom:
"We aim to please,
Men claim to please."
11. One over a Urinal:
"We aim to please.
You AIM TOO, PLEASE!"
12. (in a large nasty scrawl)
"I fucked your mother!"
(below it in smaller more precise script)
"Go home Dad, you're drunk!"
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