| GRAB BAG [7.24.07] |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (bloody@mary.org) |
2007/07/24 13:51 |
JOKES:
What is hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet on the inside,
begins with the letter 'c' ends with the letter 't' and has the
letters 'u' & 'n' in the middle?
A coconut.
----------------
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to
do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!"
"I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies.
"Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass."
"But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps
with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."
---------------
These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is
barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is
looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on
someone's front lawn.
"Look", he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?"
The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex.
Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?"
The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex
doggie style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its pretty
cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife
a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual
position."
The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a
try. The next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the
passenger asks, "Well, how did it go?" To which the driver replies,
"It was
great.
But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."
-------------------
Conversation over dinner:
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with
pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Oh Shit.
--------------------
Two men are meeting on the street.
"It was very cold this morning."
"How cold was it?"
I do not know exactly, but I saw a lawyer
with his hands in his own pockets."
-------------------
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who
answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
================
STORIES:
I work at the support hotline for a fairly large Unix vendor. Customer
calls are intercepted by a group of receptionists, who determine the
general nature of each caller's problem or question and then place it
on
an electronic queue. The receptionists attach a "headline" to each
call,
so that the support analysts can decide whether a particular call is
in
their area of expertise. Unfortunately, the receptionists are not
generally familiar with Unix.
Spelling errors can happen.
"The cron log file has exceeded 250 mega bite"
"Air message on consol"
Sometimes there is strange imagery involved. Picture this:
"Cannot get into the library"
"Runaway process boards"
"Terminals need to be brightened up"
...you can ignore this problem until they're suicidal.
"Question about braking when dialing in from a modem"
...calling from your car phone?
"Does not see the boot"
...check the end of your foot.
"Terminal has no cusor and making a high pitch wine"
...mmmm, just LOVE that high pitch wine!
"Cannot get into Telnet"
...yeah, telnet is pretty boring.
"Constant memory vaults"
...you're using too many JUMP instructions.
"X's and O's on terminal"
...how cute, it's just telling you it loves you.
"Terminal density is gone - cannot see screen"
...someone call a physicist -- their system is losing its
mass!
"Bust fault and reset of system"
...can the hardware guy install a bra?
There is some hardware we just don't support.
"Install wife terminal"
"Has a PC that knocks down all terminals"
"Foot disk needs to be reformatted"
...contact your chiropractor.
"Actuary on printer is out"
...are they at an insurance company?
This is clearly NOT a software problem.
"Trouble with electrical smell on system"
This one came up a few weeks after Gorbachev had his trouble:
"When logging on, getting overthrow signal"
Similarly:
"Warning regent table overthrow"
Here's a stumper.
"EGA controller error grade andy controller, bell doesn't work"
Users may get a little fed up.
"Is it possible to communicate with a Unix machine?"
"Too much paper during printing"
Sometimes, you just have to wonder...
"Getting a parody error"
"If terminal is off, can't get prompt back"
"Having ahard disfailure"
"Question about configuration of Woodperfect"
"Set off a background process accidentally and wants to kill"
...I, too, would kill after making such a mistake.
"Questions on fox based software"
...those animals really do understand relational databases!
"Problem logging onto root, gets Chinese characters"
...oh, your console is upside-down.
"Each time he accesses a dose you have to reset the terminal"
...wow, man, the screen is breathing...
"Kill process logs users off system"
...it does tend to do that.
"Question on repetitioning the disc"
...we have here a signed statement: you should increase swap.
"Q how to do PCP over x dot 25"
...please, don't network under the influence.
"UPS DOWN"
...and down is up, right, sir?
=================
QUOTES:
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
--------------------
There was an accident betwen a Thunderbird and a Mustang,
Horseshit and feathers everywhere.
-----------------
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all
the
beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.
----------------
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over
fifty for Miss America?
==================
LIST:
Top Pickup Lines Used by William Shakespeare
1. "How about a little Puck?"
2. "Of course, 'Romeo and Gertrude' is just a working title.
I might be persuaded to change it for you, M'Lady."
3. "Et tu, Cutie?"
4. "Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?"
5. "If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty
unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?"
6. "Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?"
7. "My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent."
8. "Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I'd spend
the evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean."
9. "Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?"
10. "Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I'm merely happy to
cast eyes upon thy beauty!"
11. "Greetings to you, fair sailor."
12. "But soft, what light through yonder trousers breaks?"
13. "Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?"
14. "O! Prithee sitteth upon my visage, and perchance to let me
divine thy weight."
15. "Do me, or not do me. THAT is the question."
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