| GRAB BAG [7.23.07] |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (bloody@mary.org) |
2007/07/23 12:24 |
JOKES:
Q: What is the last thing each Tickle Me Elmo doll receives before he
leaves the factory?
A: Two Test Tickles
----------------
A Frenchman was arrested and charged with having sex with a dead
woman.
"How do you plead?" asked the judge.
"Guilty or not guilty."
"Not guilty," replied the man.
"On what grounds?" queried the judge.
"I didn't think she was dead....I thought she was an American."
---------------
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the
house. He got the outside.
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A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen
floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick,
Charlie!
I'm paralyzed! I can't get up!" He comes in, takes a look, and says,
"Stand up, you silly old bat. You're kneeling on one of your tits."
---------------
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly
stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's
absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi
went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How
come after all these years we don't see you at services
anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you,
Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to
take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.
So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about
me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
---------------
Q. What does it mean when two lesbians make love?
A. It doesn't mean dick.
===================
STORIES:
Ukraine man crashes car as 50 pagers ring at once
January 14, 1999
KIEV, Ukraine (Reuters) -- A Ukraine businessman who bought a pager
for each member of his staff as a New Year gift was so alarmed when
all 50 of them went off at the same time that he drove his car into a
lamp post, a newspaper said on Thursday.
The unnamed businessman was returning from the pager shop when the
accident happened, the Fakty daily reported.
"With no more than 100 meters to go to the office, the 50 pagers on
the back seat suddenly burst out screeching. The businessman's fright
was such that he simply let go of the steering wheel and the the car
ploughed into a lamp post."
After he had assessed the damage to the car, the businessman turned
his attention to the message on the 50 pagers. It read:
"Congratulations on a successful purchase!
-------------------
The world's first fully computerised airliner was ready for its maiden
flight with out pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area
automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out
automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.
The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane
taxied toward the runway.
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman," a voice intoned as the
airplane lifted off. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully
computerised airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run
electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go
wrong........nothing can go wrong......nothing can go wrong......"
==================
QUOTES:
Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home.
He probably lies about other things too.
-------------------
Douglas Adams - "There is a theory which states that if ever
anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why
it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by
something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is
another theory which states that this has already
happened."
------------------
"In the beginning there was nothing... which exploded."
-- The shortened Big Bang theory
-----------------
Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't
want your mother to hear at your trial.
- Sydney Biddle Barrows, the Mayflower Madam
----------------
Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps
they should live next door, and just visit now and then."
- Katharine Hepburn
---------------
Never criticize Americans. They have the best taste that money can
buy.
- - - Miles Kington
==================
LIST:
The Shit List
1. Ghost Shit: The kind where you feel shit come out but there is no
shit in the toilet.
2. Clean Shit: The kind where you shit it out, see it, but there is
nothing on the toilet paper.
3. Wet Shit: The kind where you wipe your butt at least 90 times and
it feels unwiped so you have to put some toilet paper between your
butt and your underwear so you won't ruin your pants.
4. Second Wave Shit: It happens when you're done shitting and you've
pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to shit
some more.
5. Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Head Shit: The kind where you strain so much to
get the shit out you practically have a stroke.
6. Richard Simmons Shit: You shit so much you lose 30 pounds.
7. Lincoln Log Shit: The kind of shit that is so huge that you are
afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into little pieces with
the toilet brush.
8. Gassy Shit: It's noisy; everyone within earshot is giggling.
9. Drinker Shit: The kind of shit you have the morning after a long
night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread marks on
the bottom of the toilet.
10. Corn Shit: Self-explanatory.
11. Gee I Wish I Could Shit Shit: It's the kind where you want to
shit but all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped, and fart a few
times.
12. Spinal Tap Shit: That's where it hurts so bad coming out you'd
swear it was leaving sideways.
13. Wet Cheeks Shit (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out of your
rear end so fast, your cheeks get splashed with water.
14. Liquid Shit: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out and
splatters all over the toilet bowl.
15. Mexican Food Shit: It smells so bad the room must be condemned.
16. Upperclass Shit: The kind of shit that doesn't smell.
17. Fisherman's Bobber Shit: That's the kind where you are in a
public restroom, there are two people waiting on your stall; you shit
and flush two times but several golf ball size pieces are still
floating above the water line.
18. Ambush Shit: This kind never occurs at home but usually at a
party or while playing golf. It is the result of trying to fart just
a little, but you end up with trouser chili and you walk bow-legged
for the rest of the day.
19. Santa Clause Shit: A shit that is so big, you have no idea how it
made it down the drain after flushing.
20. Stalactite Shit: A shit that gets stuck and hangs from your butt
for a moment.
21. Deja Vu Shit: When you could swear you've taken the exact same
shit before.
22. Five Alarm Shit: Your asshole burns so bad you think it's on fire.
Usually after eating really spicy chili or other spicy food.
23. False Alarm Shit: After a really big fart you think you might have
shit yourself, but you didn't.
24. Titanic Shit: The tip of the shit is visible above the water line.
25. Rainbow Shit: The kind of shit that is at least 7 different
colors.
26. Gangster Shit: A shit that sounds like an automatic weapon is
being fired in the toilet.
27. Gold Medal Shit: A shit you work so hard to get out that you just
have to tell a friend about it.
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