| GRAB BAG [7.22.07] |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (bloody@mary.org) |
2007/07/22 10:46 |
JOKES:
What's the definition of a real loser?
A guy who has a wet dream and gets HIV.
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AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
************
Good News, Bad News, Worse News
Good:
You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad:
She keeps interrupting
Worse:
With corrections
************
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big breasts...
In high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but there was no
passion..
So I decided I needed a passionate girl..
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional..
Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I
needed a girl with some stability..
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited
about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement..
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed
from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was
directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some ambition..
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so
ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned..
Now all I want is a girl with big breasts..
************
========================
STORIES:
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family,
it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like
anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
(Christine, 9)
************
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do
with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
(Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but
the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)
************
Automobile lovers all over the world are said to be supporting the
NATO air assault on Serbia. Recent pictures from Serbian television
apparently showed the Yugo factory ablaze.
************
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the
truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a
head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By
then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to
adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no
problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I
heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! The
garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower
(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me
in?"
(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement
about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I
crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It
is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay,
itwasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It
was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied
between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me
as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most
vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged
them with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while
rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a
kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes
faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament,
choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and
cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been
fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to
conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I
kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.
"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.
************
=======================
QUOTES:
A good discussion is like a miniskirt:
Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject.
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When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
************
"After The Wizard Of Oz I was typecast as a lion, and there aren't all
that many parts for lions."
--Bert Lahr.
************
You traverse the world in search of happiness, which is within the
reach of every man. A contented mind confers it on all.
--Horace
************
"Truth decays into beauty, while beauty soon becomes merely charm.
Charm ends up as strangeness, and even that doesn't last, but up and
down are forever."
-- The Laws of Physics
************
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce
************
====================
LIST:
Damn, it's good to be a man...
1. Your last name stays put.
2. The garage is all yours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. You can be president.
6. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. The world is your urinal.
9. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just too icky.
10. Same work, more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
13. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
16. One mood, ALL the damn time.
17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18. You know stuff about tanks.
19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be your friend.
23. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
24. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
25. Everything on your face stays its original color.
26. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
27. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.
28. You almost never have strap problems in public.
29. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
30. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
31. You don't have to shave below your neck.
32. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
33. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color all seasons.
34. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
35. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
36. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in
45 minutes.
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