| GRAB BAG [7.21.07] |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (bloody@mary.org) |
2007/07/21 13:10 |
JOKES:
There was the surgeon who was arrested for drunken
driving. They let him go, though. He was already an hour
late for an operation.
---------------
On their wedding night the husband was so self - conscious
about the smallness of his penis that before undressing, he
snapped off the light. Once he was in bed, he unzipped his
pants and handed his member to his bride.
"That's thoughtful, darling," she cooed, "but we'll need the light
if you want to write thank-you notes ."
-------------
What is a man's best friend?
His dick because it always sitcks up for him.
-------------
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to
find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she
became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of
their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the
court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything
to say to defend herself.
"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if
he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"
---------------
The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science
classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question
directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He
sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for
the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer.
Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled,
then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen,
and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
=========================
STORIES:
I was shopping and saw the Hi-C candy canes. I
thought they'd taste good so I looked at the flavors." The box
said there were four: Cherry, Orange, Lemon, and Green.
Green???
------------------
Mum and Dad went to the Restaurant,Dad was about halfway
finishing his meal but he had a hard look at the potato.
He calls the waitress and says this potato is bad.
The waitress picks it up an smacks it an puts it back on
the plate and says "If that potato causes any more trouble
just let me know".
=====================
QUOTES:
Love thy neighbor... But don't get caught!
-----------------------
"Resist much.
Obey little."
- Walt Whitman
----------------------
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a
guy like Norman Einstein."
- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
----------------------
My wife claims her car is so old,
that the fenders aren't dented -- they're wrinkled !
---------------------
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
--------------------
Be careful about reading health books. You might die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
-------------------
"Do, or do not. There is no 'try'. "
- Yoda ('The Empire Strikes Back')
=========================
LIST:
Uses for Data Head
1. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
2. The ball in Parisis' Squares
3. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
4. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
5. Scare blind students in Braille class
6. Prop open doors for maintenance crews
7. Lawn decoration in Arboretum
8. Footstool for Captain's chair
9. Entertaining kids in day care puppet show
10. Scare Alexander into doing chores
11. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
12. Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank
13. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead"
in research
14. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
15. Two words: tether ball
16. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
17. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
18. Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class
19. Use as nutcracker at Christmas time
20. Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life
insurance policy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
|