| GRAB BAG [7.18.07] |
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| ::darkshadows:: (bloody@mary.org) |
2007/07/18 14:36 |
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From: "::darkshadows::" <bloody@mary.org>
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Subject: GRAB BAG [7.18.07]
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JOKES:
What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?
A Mechanic.
---------------------------------------------
Question: What is 1 + 2 ?
Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures,
you'll find that it's reasonably in line with government predictions.
Physicist: I won't tell you until you tell me what you want to use it
for.
Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.
---------------------------------------------
You Can Never Really Go Back
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were
sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman
said to his wife,
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting
here at this breakfast table together."
"Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years ago this morning."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the
two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you now as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
the other one's in you oatmeal!"
-----------------------------------------
Men vs. Women
Men and women are not alike.
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive
proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
topics, these facts have emerged:
RELATIONSHIPS:
First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers
to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular
basis."
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
breakup - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I
just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never
forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want
you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I
Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made
at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to
help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove
effective.
SEX:
Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to
her place as part of the foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving
each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances
rarely work out.
HATS:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with
circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
BATHROOMS:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush,
toothpaste, shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the
Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is
because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male
body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
GOING OUT:
When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.
When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be
ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes
putting on her makeup...
LEG WARMERS:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or
doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them
any time she wants.
A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme
the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any
shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe
Garagiola's head...
GARAGES:
Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in
garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden
things in garages.
MOVIES:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses
Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."
For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's
face in "Public Enemy."
JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more
than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The
nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator
glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.
LOW BLOWS:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on
television,
and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.
The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."
The man doubles over and actually feels pain.
ADMITTING MISTAKES:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
works out at the health club and dates only married women.
NUDITY IN MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced
by men.
The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard
Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.
DAVID LETTERMAN:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
haircut.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly
as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract
terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do
his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes
to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is
there.
WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."
Men talk about "the bachelor party."
SOCKS:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have
pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
PLANTS:
A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead
plants.
No one knows why this happens.
MUSTACHES:
Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.
NICKNAMES:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of
nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for
lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and
Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and
Useless.
-------------------------------------------------------
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3
ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the
hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty
good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and
handed
the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted
his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and
said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a
Washington
state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly
showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden
took
a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it
out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have
an
Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced
an
Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck,
conducted
the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck.
Do
you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this
time
more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The
warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back
to
the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where
the
hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and
said
"You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"
=======================================
STORIES:
A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Mr.Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of
the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.
--------------------------------------------------------------
The is at the bottom of this actual interview, but you'll need to
read the article to appreciate it...enjoy!
This is a verbatim extract from a National Public Radio interview
between
a female broadcaster and Army LT.GEN. Reinwald about sponsoring a Boy
Scout Troop on his military installation:::
Interviewer: "So, LT.GEN. Reinwald, what are you going to do
with these young boys on their adventure holiday?"
LTGEN Reinwald: "We're going to teach them climbing,
canoeing, archery, and shooting."
Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
LTGEN Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly
supervised on the range."
Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?"
LTGEN Reinwald: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them
proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm."
Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent
killers."
LTGEN Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one, are you?"
DEAD AIR.....NO FURTHER QUESTIONS..
-----------------------------------------------------
The two butchers were brought into the emergency room.
They both had their left hands bandaged. "What happened?" I
asked the first one. "I was cutting some meat when the cleaver
slipped and cut my hand." I asked the other one how he had
been injured. "Oh, I was showing the other guys what *this*
guy was doing and I did the same thing."
---------------------------------------------------
From Time magazine, "Numbers" section:
$5 million:
Estimated annual cost for a 10-year program that
would identify large asteroids most threatening to earth.
$75 million:
Budget for "Deep Impact", a film about the devastation
caused when a comet hits earth.
------------------------------------------------------
The two butchers were brought into the emergency room.
They both had their left hands bandaged. "What happened?" I
asked the first one. "I was cutting some meat when the cleaver
slipped and cut my hand." I asked the other one how he had
been injured. "Oh, I was showing the other guys what *this*
guy was doing and I did the same thing."
----------------------------------------------------
A sign seen over the toilet paper dispenser in a military "latrine"
(bathroom): "Another quality product of the 3M company, sandpaper
division."
========================================
QUOTES:
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.
------------------------------------------
"The future will be better tomorrow." -- Vice President Dan Quayle
------------------------------------------
On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire
performance.
-----------------------------------------
"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
- J. Danforth Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President
------------------------------------------
Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.
-----------------------------------------
Anyalyzing humour is like dissecting a frog: nobody enjoys it, and the
frog usually dies as a result.
========================================
LIST:
New Slang Dictionary as of 2001
1. AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
2. AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
3. BADLY PACKED KEBAB
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
4. BEAVER LEAVER
A homosexual.
5. BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze
cruise
at 3 in the morning.
6. BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze
cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how
you get there, and where you've come from.
7. BEER SCOOTER
The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not
remember
it i.e. "I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have
caught the beer scooter".
8. BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
9. BOILER SUIT
The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus
aforethought, score with a BOBFOC last night. This charge is usually
brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday
night.
10. BONE OF CONTENTION
A hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. one that arises when a man is
watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.
11. BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
12. BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".
13. BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
14. BUDGIE'S TONGUE or SMALL MAN IN A BOAT, or TONGUE PUNCHBAG
The female erection.
15. BUNNY-BOILER
An unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling
scene
in the film "Fatal Attraction", e.g. "I don't like the look of that
aeroplane blonde - could be a bunny boiler."
16. DOUBLE BASS
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and
then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's
Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when
playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly
different.
17. DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is
common to visit one before going out on the booze.
18. ETCH-A-SKETCH
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her
nipples simultaneously.
19. FLOGGING ON
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
20. FREE THE TADPOLES
Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.
21. FRIGMAROLE
Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.
22. FUCKSHITFUCKSHITFUCKSHIT
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a
speed.
23. GOING FOR A McSHIT
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,
you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff
member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food
afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
24. GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
25. HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT
A vigorous masturbation session.
26. JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to
show
their level of training.
27. MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed
from
the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.
28. MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa!Aa! Aa!"
29. MUMBLER
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e. you can see the
'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
30. MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive
people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back
in.
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