| GRAB BAG [7.17.07] |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (bloody@mary.org) |
2007/07/17 11:24 |
JOKES:
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to
do the dishes?
-Both of them.
-------------------------
"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware store clerk.
"Yes, m'am." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this
way?"
"If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the
batteries."
-------------------------
One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an
Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a
coffee house.
Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst
out crying.
Her friend begged her to share what was wrong.
"Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me
I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a
married man!"
-----------------------
The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment. They were
down to three recruits, two men and one woman. Only one could
get the position. As a final test each recruit was led down a
hallway to a large gray door. The CIA agents say to the first
man, "We need to know that you will do whatever we say
regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this
room and kill your wife". A look of shock comes over the man's
face. He says, "I can't kill my wife. I just can't do it. I
guess I'm not the man for this job". "No, you're not", agree
the agents, "You're free to go".
They bring the second man to the door and say, "We need to know
that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances.
Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife". The man
takes the gun and goes into the room. The room is silent and
after five minutes the man opens the door, tears streaming down
his face. "I tried," he says, "but I just couldn't do it. I can't
kill my wife". The agents let him leave.
They bring the woman to the door and say, "We need to know that
you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take
this gun, go into this room and kill your husband". She takes the
gun and before the door closes behind her, she shoots off all 13
rounds emptying the gun. The door closes behind her and for the
next five minutes the agents hear loud banging and grunting. The
door finally opens, revealing the sweat-drenched woman. She looks
at both agents, wipes her brow and says, "Whew! You guys didn't
tell me that the gun was filled with blanks - I had to beat him to
death with the chair!"
---------------------------
A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a
graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see
an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it
is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and has made it
too slippery to climb. He gives up after a while and decides to spend
the night there.
A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and decides to take
the same shortcut through the graveyard. He, too, falls into that open
grave and tries to climb out but the mud is too slippery. The first
drunk is still sitting there and watches as the other drunk tries but
fails to get out.
The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the shoulder and
tells him, "You'll never get out!".
He did.
-------------------------
A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs.
The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to declare?"
He thinks a second and he says, "It's a nice-a day!"
======================
STORIES:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and
medical
expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbor's
beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The
award
was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been
just a
little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it
repeatedly with a pellet gun.
-------------------------
Zoo sperm bank worker Mohd. Binatang bin Goncang wins "Worst Job in
Singapore".
Wildlife Reserves Singapore (WRS), which runs the Singapore Zoo,has
set
up a bank of sperm and animal tissue in order to help preserve
species.
The thankless task of collecting the sperm falls to Mr. Binatang's,
starting his rounds at 4 a.m. "We start so early in the morning
because
a lot of the animals have 'morning glory' when they wake up, and it's
easier to collect the sperm.
Wearing rubber gloves and carrying a cooler box filled with ice and
tupperware, Mr. Binatang, 25, told us that he'd just graduated from
Singapore Polytechnic with a diploma in life sciences. He liked nature
and animals, and thought that the Singapore Zoo would be the perfect
place to work.
"I never thought I'd be giving an orang-utan a hand job every
morning,"
he said somewhat ruefully. "And he is the worst, he expects to be
kissed
first. "As we approached the orang-utan enclosure, we saw the Zoo's
most
famous resident lying casually on his back, hands behind his head, and
sporting a huge erection.
Applying the massage oil onto his gloves, he lingered outside the
enclosure before entering and knelt before the orange beast. About 2
minutes' worth of squelching noises could be heard before Mr.Binatang
emerged again.
Next the tiger enclosure, the big cats were sprawled lazily on the
grass
verge, in a somewhat half-hearted manner as he put on a fresh set of
gloves and entered the enclosure. "Here, kitty, kitty,kitty..."
Moments later, he emerged with several tupperware full of viscous
fluid.
"Isn't it dangerous?" we asked.
Mr. Binatang was silent for a while.
"They know I'm not there as an enemy," he finally said, a glazed,
faraway look in his eyes.
Worked his way round the zoo, finished his rounds at 3 pm in the
afternoon. Carrying out his duties with the tapirs, the rhinoceros,
giraffe and the gorillas, amongst others. "Each animal is different,"
he said, removing his gloves, now speckled with traces of polar bear
spunk.
"The chimpanzees always want to be hugged afterwards. The elephant is
the most tricky because of the size of its thing... sometimes I have
to
use both my arms to tug on it." "As you can expect it's really
affecting my sex life.
I can't help it. Each time my wife initiates sex, these ejaculating
hippos keep floating through my mind."
How long will he stay difficult to know, but deputy assistant director
Lai Jee Seow thinks it is important to continue.
"It's because the animals have gotten too used to Binatang coming over
every morning to pull them off," said "Many of them now can't be
bothered to engage in real sex."
======================
POEM:
I was desperate, I was weary
I prayed for holy guidance from above
I thought she came to lead me through the darkness
But then I felt a probing rubber glove...
=====================
QUOTES:
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
--------------------------
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
--------------------------
Violence punctuated by committee meetings.
--George Will
-------------------------
"If a man does his best, what else is there?"
General George S. Patton (1885-1945)
------------------------
"Satan sincerely believes in the triumph of Evil.
Gates just does it for the money."
-------------------------
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten
year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
======================
LIST:
You know you're no longer a kid when...
1. Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it any more.
2. Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
3. The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke
are.
4. Being bad is no longer cool.
5. You have friends who have kids.
6. Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
7. You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
8. Your parents' jokes are now funny.
9. You have once said, "Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
10. You have owned, and since disowned Michael Jackson's Thriller.
11. Two words: parachute pants
12. Naps are good.
13. Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.
14. You have onced deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever".
15. When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
16. You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
17. You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
18. You don't want a Camaro becuase of the insurance premiums.
19. You've bought an album on vinyl.
20. You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.
21. You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience
store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the
bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
|