| GRAB BAG [7.14.07] |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (bloody@mary.org) |
2007/07/14 18:40 |
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From: "::darkshadows::" <bloody@mary.org>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: GRAB BAG [7.14.07]
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Date: Sun, 15 Jul 2007 00:40:10 GMT
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JOKES:
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging
that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a
special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After
several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a
wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to
wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you
got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the
handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right.
Get in."
--------------------
The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their
dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The
husband
had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it
seemed
to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.
One time the wife had had enuff and actually pounded on the wall
between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned,
only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's
door and just kept ringing the bell.
When the model answered, the wife fumed,"I would like to know why
it
is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here."
"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure
ain't
helping none either."
--------------------
Frivolous Old Gal
I have become a little older since I last saw you and a few changes
have come
into my life. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing
five
gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up Will Power helps me get out
of bed.
Then I go see John. Next, Charlie Horse comes along and when he is
here, he
takes a lot of time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows
up and
stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very
long, so he
takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired
and
glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life! Oh, yes, I'm also
flirting with
Al Zymer.
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age,
I
should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do all the
time.
No matter where I am: in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down
in the
basement, I ask myself, now what am I hereafter?"
--------------------
I've never been much on fashion, but got quite a few compliments on a
new sports jacket I wore to work one day. My
secretary asked me where I got it and I told her that it was a
surprise from my wife. I went home early yesterday, and there it
was, on the back of a kitchen chair.
--------------------
My wife and I were watching some TV show the other nite where the wife
hired a private detective to follow her husband and see if he were in
fact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that. She
said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to
see if I could find out what she saw in ya."
--------------------
Teacher: Why are you late?
Little Johnny: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Little Johnny: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow. "That's what
I
did.
====================
STORIES:
Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, purchased a brand new
32-
foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto
the
freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the
drivers
seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not
surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr.
Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual
that
he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a
new
motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of
this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying
their
recreation vehicles.
--------------------
A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in
the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting
beer cans off each other's head.
--------------------
Modern Travel: To promote airline safety, a proposed FAA rule
would require that every suitcase checked on a US flight be
on the same plane as its owner. "That means that even though
you want to fly to Orlando at 9am, you may end up on the 10pm
plane to Boise." (Jerry Perisho)
Major airlines oppose the plan. "They are even against a less
stringent rule that would require luggage and owners to be in the
same country."
--------------------
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
(Mike,10)
--------------------
====================
POEMS:
THE MORNING SONG....FOR NON-MORNING PEOPLE
I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still.
When suddenly a tiny bird,
Perch on my window sill.
He sang a song so lovely,
So carefree and so gay.
That slowly all my troubles,
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places,
Of laughter and of fun.
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers,
Crept slowly out of bed.
And gently lowered the window,
And crushed his fucking head.
====================
QUOTES:
Early to bed, early to rise, and your girl goes out with other guys.
--------------------
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that
is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down
on a
hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again,
and
that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one
anymore.
-- Mark Twain
--------------------
Trying" is the first step toward failure
- Homer Simpson
--------------------
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
--------------------
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
====================
LIST:
How to tell if it is going to be a rotten day
1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
2. You put your bra on backward and it fits better.
3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
4. You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
6. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
last night, and there aren't any.
7. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of
the city.
8. Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
9. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke
and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
10. Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck
as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the interstate.
11. Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
12. Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
13. The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
14. You wake up and your braces are locked together.
15. You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your
pantyhose.
16. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
17. Your income tax check bounces.
18. You put both contacts lenses in the same eye.
19. Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill," and your name is George.
20. You send this to all your lists and put the wrong disclaimers on
it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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