| GRAB BAG [7.12.07] |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (bloody@mary.org) |
2007/07/12 18:33 |
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From: "::darkshadows::" <bloody@mary.org>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: GRAB BAG [7.12.07]
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Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2007 00:33:21 GMT
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JOKES:
Notice
To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important
Notice About Notices. You may have noticed the increased number of
notices for you to notice. We notice that some of our notices have
been noticed. On the other hand, some of our notices have not been
noticed. This is very noticeable. It is noticed that the responses
to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. This notice is to
remind you to notice the notices and respond to the Notices because we
do not want the noticed to go unnoticed.
--NOTICE COMMITTEE FOR NOTICING NOTICES
----------
Most dentists chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought, "This is unusual."
The dentist said to me, "Mr. Owens, get out of the filing cabinet."
----------
"Look at me." an elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests at his
birthday bash. "I've aged like a fine old carefully stored wine."
"I certainly have to agree with that." piped-up his obviously long
suffering wife. "Henry's cork's been stationary for years."
----------
There was this little boy who went in the whore house with a
dead frog on a leash. He went to the counter and asked the
pimp for a whore with aids, the man knew he was young but the
boy said "please mister, just give me a whore with aids, i
have money thats no problem" the man was like ok "if you have
the money". So the boy went in and fucked the whore and came
out smiling to the man at the counter. The guy didn't understnad
why he was so happy. "its a long story" the boy said. "tell me,
i can wait" the man said impatiently. "ok" the boy says "i have
aids now right? well--i'll go home and screw the babysitter...
she'll get aids, then my dad will come homw and screw her...
he'll get aids, my dad will screw my mom...she'll get aids.
Then my mom will then screw the milk man
.....and he's the son of a bitch that ran over my frog!"
----------
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind
2. No business.
----------
A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African
diplomat.
They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the
Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians
built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to
drink vodka and play Russian roulette."
The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." The
diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you
want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play.
"I'll show you how."
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude
women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give
you oral sex," he told the American.
"That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much like
Russian roulette."
"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
==========
STORIES:
An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked
by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge,
he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.
----------
ONE THING
When my sister teased her four-year-old daughter by suggesting she
liked
a boy in her kindergarten class, the little girl was quite indignant.
"No mummy, I don't" she replied, "because he's only interested in one
thing."
Shocked, my sister cautiously asked what that might be. "Power
Rangers,
of course," said the toddler.
----------
Seen In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please.
If you are not person to do such thing is
please not to read notis.
----------
This really happened and was featured on Jay Leno more than 8 years
ago...The wife of a business man was reading the morning paper while
her husband was at the office working. She was reading the divorce
decrees to see if she knew anyone there and was shocked to read her
own name as well as her husbands name in a divorce decree! When her
husband came home from work, she was very upset and asked him why
the paper said that they were getting a divorce. "Nothing to worry
about dear, must be a friend pulling a joke, I'll find out at the
office
tommorrow"! He assurred her.
Assuming this was a hoax, she went about her business for the next two
days, when a summons to appear in Divorce (Federal) Court arrived for
her! When her husband returned from work that night, she was
hysterical! "What on earth is going on, who is doing this"? She
demanded to know. "I promise I will find out tommorrow"! He told her
again.
This time she was going to ask her husband right when he got home the
next day. "So, who was it"? She asked eagerly. "Oh, it was this wierd
guy from accounting. He thought it would make a funny April Fools
joke,
remember it is April now"! He calmed her with. She was now satisfied
that her husband loved her and everything was fine. The date for the
court appearance came and went, as her husband told her to disregard
it. While cleaning one afternoon, she was startled by a knock at the
door. It was her judgement for divorce notice, the divorce was final.
When she assumed her husband told her the truth, she never showed up
for the hearing, which was real and the husband won by default! He got
EVERYTHING!
==========
POEMS:
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!
----------
As the elevator car left our floor,
Big Sue caught her tits in the door;
She yelled a good deal,
But had they been real,
She'd have yelled considerably more.
----------
There was a young man from Peru
Whose lineage was noble all through.
Now this isn't crud
For not only his blood
But even his semen was blue.
----------
A bobby of Nottingham Junction
Whose organ had long ceased to function
Deceived his good wife
For the rest of her life
With the aid of a constable's truncheon.
==========
QUOTES:
"Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)"
-- fortune
----------
"It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one
trifling exception, is composed of others."
- John Andrew Holmes
----------
Seen on a bumper sticker...
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot!
----------
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
(2) Advising the President.
(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-- David Letterman
----------
My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't
enjoy it.
==========
LIST
Ever wonder...
1. why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
2. why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
3. why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
4. why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
5. why doctors call what they do "practice"?
6. why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows?
7. why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing
liquid is made with real lemons?
8. why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
9. why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
10. who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
11. why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
12. why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
13. why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for
the indestructible black box?
14. why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
15. why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
16. if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?
17. why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
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