| GRAB BAG [7.11.07] |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (bloody@mary.org) |
2007/07/11 10:02 |
Path: news.nzbot.com!not-for-mail
From: "::darkshadows::" <bloody@mary.org>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: GRAB BAG [7.11.07]
Message-ID: <ghv993lmqgnuadknctt8c2o61vqi668vaa@4ax.com>
X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 4.2/32.1118
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
Lines: 276
X-Complaints-To: abuse@easynews.com
Organization: EasyNews, UseNet made Easy!
X-Complaints-Info: Please be sure to forward a copy of ALL headers otherwise we will be unable to process your complaint properly.
Date: Wed, 11 Jul 2007 16:02:37 GMT
Xref: news.nzbot.com alt.fan.rolex:4504
JOKES:
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How much money have you got?
----------
What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
----------
Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when the local
minister comes walking around the corner.
The minister says, "My, Farmer Petrovich, you're certainly giving that
sheep a beating. You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you?"
The farmer says, "I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time
I tried to mount her!
----------
Hungry Snake
Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon
realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he
happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a
worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him
of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no
lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer
down his throat and went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg.
Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms
in his mouth...
----------
What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A rabbi cuts it off, and a priest sucks it off.
----------
USENET Parody
No no, the question is: How many USENET posters does it take to change
a lightbulb?
A1. Define "change"
A2. How do you know the lightbulb is out?
A3. Don't use the word "posters" to describe us, it's offensive to
large sheets of papers with pictures on them which hang on walls.
A4. That question is not appropriate for this group, please take it
elsewhere.
A5. I think it's perfectly appropriate, this is alt.fan.lightbulbs.
A6. Well, that's because you're a twit.
A7. Who are you calling a "twit"? Besides, you spelled "twit" wrong.
A8. Oh? And how exactly do *you* spell "twit", twit?
A9. Could you two take this to e-mail? Doesn't anyone want to talk
about lightbulb fans instead of flaming?
A10. You're a twit also, who died and made you net.cop?
A11. Look, all of you, take it to alt.flame or e-mail or something.
A12. Hey, USENET is an anarchy, you have no right to tell them what to
post or not post.
A13. Speaking of anarchists, why don't you all vote for Andre Marrou,
Libertarian Party Candidate for President?
A14. Because the Libertarians are all twits.
A15. Waitaminit! Now we're arguing politics on alt.fan.lightbulb????
A16. Stop wasting bandwidth with this stuff!
A17. What "stuff" pray tell?
A18. Yikes! It's dark in here!
A19. Define "dark".
A20. I mean the lightbulb must be out.
A21. So change it.
A22. Define "change"...
----------
What was the First Commandment?
"Adam, eat my pussy."
==========
STORIES:
A woman, worried about crime, started to carry a hand-gun. Five months
after she'd begun carrying her gun she came out to her car in a dark
parking lot and found it occupied by four men. She ordered them out.
They refused to move; she pulled her gun. Instantly four doors popped
open and her car's occupants fled into the night. Then, as she started
to load her groceries into the car, she noticed her car (same make and
model) parked three spots away.
----------
Did you hear that there was a plane wreck in England. The little
two-seater crashed right into grave yard. The rescue teams have
already found 1529 bodies.
----------
Rachel's blonde roommate had to make an emergency phone
call to home and her pre-paid calling card had expired. "I
suggested she call collect. She picked up the phone, looked
at me bewildered, and asked, 'What's the number to 1-800-
COLLECT?'"
----------
One guy was trying to fix a blocked pipe under the sink.
He disconnected the pipe and put a bucket under the basin to
catch all of the water. While he was working, he realized
the bucket was getting full so he took the bucket and emptied
back in the sink again
==========
QUOTES:
Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts.
- Ruth Gordon
----------
Hasidic Saying:
"To worry is a sin. Only one sort of worry is permissible; to
worry because one worries."
----------
"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
And East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and
stew them like applesauce they taste more like prunes than a rhubarb
does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know."
-- Groucho Marx
----------
Carl Zwanzig - "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a
dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
----------
ON NUMBERS
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values
of 2.
----------
"Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a
Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English
cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife."
James H. Kabbler III.
==========
LIST:
Rules for Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one
club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should be a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.
6. The object of this game is to take as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete.
Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the
course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally
take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to
well-formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
or are playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course
owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
protection.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the
first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they
discover
someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be embarassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to find alternative
means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for the manicuring and pruning of
any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment
with and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceedat a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's
request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.
16. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
|