| GRAB BAG [7.6.07] |
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| ::darkshadows:: (bloody@mary.org) |
2007/07/06 12:37 |
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From: "::darkshadows::" <bloody@mary.org>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: GRAB BAG [7.6.07]
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Date: Fri, 06 Jul 2007 18:37:24 GMT
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JOKES:
Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.
-----
What does a camera and a condom have in common?
They both capture that magic moment.
-----
Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf
of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.
Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good
opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."
He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that
you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the
other?"
Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."
-----
A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the
Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.
"Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.
The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."
The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and
says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "
-----
THREE GAY GUYS WERE ALL IN A CAR CRASH AND DIED. ALL THREE GUYS WERE
CREMATED.
THERE BOYFRIENDS WERE TALKING ABOUT WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO DO WITH
THE ASHES.
THE FIRST BOYFRIEND SAID I AM GOING TO SKY DIVE AND SPREAD HIS ASHES
IN THE SKY BECAUSE
THATS WHAT HE LIKED.
THE SECOND GUY SAID I AM GOING TO SPREAD MY BOYFRIENDS ASHES
IN THE SEA BECAUSE IT'S WHAT HE LIKED.
THE THIRD GUY SAID I'M GOING TO PUT MY BOYFRIENDS ASHES IN A BOWL OF
CHILI SO HE CAN
RIP THROUGH MY ASS ONE LAST TIME!!
-----
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through
the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and
licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around
and says,
"Hey! Cut it out, alright!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out
with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front
tiger turnsaround and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the
ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the
rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"
The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to
get the taste out of my mouth!"
==========
STORIES:
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having
sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to
marry.
-----
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by
the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded
the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
-----
A mother in Pittsburgh tells of having dinner with her little son and
daughter. It had been a long, trying day at home, and her husband was
still at the office. Both children were fussy and didn't want to eat,
and her patience had reached it's limit. She looked up and sighed,
"Oh, God, help me with these children." Immediately her four-year-old
daughter bowed her head and was silent. The mother was delighted,
thinking the girl was asking God to help her be good. But then the
girl looked up at her and said, "I just asked Him not to help you."
from "Faith, Hope and Hilarity: The Child's Eye View
of Religion" by Dick Van Dyke
==========
POEMS:
My Very First Time
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow.....
-----
I met her on the internet and I couldn't keep from staring
She had the coolest font I'd ever seen
She was Microsoft, mathmatical, and IBM compatible
And fireworks exploded on my screen
Well, my cursor started blinking like the beating of my heart
And my modem started singing, thinking this could be the start
Chorus:
Of a Techie Love -- between us
With the latest gadgetry
Techie love can be the sweetest
world wide web we weave
Well I courted her with e-mail and with roses from my clip art
I sent romantic faxes everyday
Though I'm kinda shy to tell, heck, I wrote poems that I spell checked
And I bought her software from Comp USA
We were wonderful together how she made me feel so fine
And we planned a simple wedding on America On-Line
Chorus: And there was techie love between us.......
Then one day there was lightning and it caused some power surges
And you should have seen the look upon my face
Cause I wasn't surge protected, or backed up like you'd expect, it
blew my files somewhere out to cyberspace
Well now nothing lasts forever, I know even good things pass,
So I knew that it was over on the day the hard drive crashed
Chorus: On the techie love between us.......
She's gone, and it megahertz
It's like a virus, only worse
She's gone, but I can't wait
I'll get a new computer that has windows Y2K
Chorus: And there'll be techie love........
c 1998 Mark Hankins
-----
Ode to Alcohol Starkle, starkle, little twink, Who the hell you are I
think, I'm not under what they call The alcofluence of incohol. I'm
not drunk as thinkle peep, I'm just a little slort of sheep. Tee
martoonis make a guy Fool so feelish, don't know why Rally don't know
who's me yet The drunker I stay the longer I get So just one more to
full my cup, I've all day sober to Sunday up.
==========
QUOTES:
Women will forgive anything.
Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago.
- Robert A. Heinlein
-----
He's so vain every time he masturbates
he dedicates it to a different girl
-----
I sometimes get up grumpy, but then she wakes up.
-----
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get
in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne
-----
Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.
- Edward Abbey
==========
LIST:
List of Viruses
1. PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around.
It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if
by C:.
2. POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
3. ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole thing quits.
4. MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to
run.
5. OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
6. AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you
are getting.
7. THE MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're
paying too much for the AT&T virus.
8. TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
9. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll
be back.
10. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.
11. NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of
people really mad just thinking about it.
12. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which
claim to be the most important part of the computer.
13. GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38
percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5
percent margin of error).
14. TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose
"Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
15. TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
16. ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
17. MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identifiy because it is constantly
altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will
trash your car.
18. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits
eratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other
side for the problem.
19. AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
20. FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own
motherboard.
21. PBS VIRUS: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
22. ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self
destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
across rural America.
23. OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
24. NIKE VIRUS: Just Does It!
25. SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables,
power supply, and a set of shocks.
26. JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Nobody can find it.
27. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS II: Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
28. KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants
to.
29. IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot
up then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on
expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
30. STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has
gone before.
31. HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Test your system for a day, finds nothing
wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
32. GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my test....
no new files!" on the screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space
on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congress
Virus.
33. CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a
286/AT.
34. LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on
your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
35. CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in
last in the reviews, but you still love it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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