JOKES:
What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook!
-----
What's the difference between women and men?
One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.
-----
The husband, tired of a listless sex life came right out and asked his
wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me
when you have an orgasm ?" She looked him rite in the eye and said,
"You're never home !"
-----
A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi were fishing from a
boat
not from the lake shore. The pastor had to make a trip to the
port-a-potty
located on the shore, so he got out of the boat, walked across the
water
and in the same matter, came back to the boat after he was finished. A
little later, the priest had to make the trip also. He got out of the
boat, walked across the water, visited the bathroom and in the same
manner, came back to the boat. Still later, the rabbi needed to go
ashore.
He got out of the boat and immediately sank. The pastor looked at the
priest and said,
"Do you think we ought to tell him where the rocks are?"
=====
STORIES:
Can you imagine working for this organization? It has less than 550
employees with the following statistics:
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up?
It's the 535 members of The United States Congress;
the same group that cranks the laws designed to
keep the rest of us in line.
-----
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an
hour east of Bakersfield, blonde new to boating was having aproblem.
No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new
22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it
was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power
she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a
nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough
topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The
engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the
correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat,
still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
-----
BABY CHICKEN
A 50 year old woman was brought into a New York emergency room
complaining of abdominal pains.
During an examination, doctors found that the woman's labia were
pinned together with old safety pins. Further inside, they found the
dismembered body of a chicken. The woman explained that she inserted
the chicken pieces, convinced that they would grow into a baby.
=====
POEMS:
DR. SUESS ON PCS
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and you screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory, and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.
-----
A Poem Written by an African Shakespeare
Dear white fella
Couple things you should know
When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black.
You white fella
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey.
And you have the cheek to call me colored?????
=====
QUOTES:
One of the most wonderful things about life is that we must regularly
stop what we are doing and devote our attention to eating.
-- Samuel Johnson
-----
Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.
-----
"Doing a thing well is often a waste of time." -- Robert Byrne
-----
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of
frogs.
=====
Interesting Facts
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like
it)
-----
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems
worth it)
=====
|
|