| GRAB BAG [7.3.07] |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (bloody@mary.org) |
2007/07/03 08:07 |
JOKES:
Q: What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?
A: Wipe it off and say you're sorry.
-----
So the doctor tells the patient he's got only six months to live.
But the patient doesn't pay his bill on time, so the doctor gives
him another six months.
-----
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to
go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his
problem.
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting
ready
to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter
pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two
began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments
later,
felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked,
"How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the
pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my
neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
-----
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the
crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets
himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my
honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal
and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four
tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired
it all together. It was an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on
their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to
reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw
them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these
breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at
this, it's still in the CRATE !"
==========
STORIES:
The First Message From an Alien
Civilization...
Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system
at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your
star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other
star systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will
receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy
reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!
-----
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this
creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into
the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm
is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the
whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I
sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.
He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant
smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his
artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
-----
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while
they deliver the mail?
==========
POEMS:
The Very Very Untitled Poem
To you I write this poem of nonsense
My back is aching, my shoulders, tense
My R.S.I. is D.O.A.
Q.E.D. I.Q. O.K.
My temper frayed, about to snap
I am the king of talking crap
I try to do the best I can
I`m worse than David Letterman!
I watch TV to ease the friction
Of this internet addiction
But to my dismay, I find
I cannot leave the net behind
The world wide web calls to me
Like a mermaid siren in the cyber-sea.
Like watching "Twin Peaks", I`ve lost the plot
I`ve been writing for weeks and this is all I got.
With liquid refreshment as my inspiration
Just cider that`s been through refrigeration
Talkin` `bout my generation.
Pen to paper. Fingers on the keyboard.
Makes no difference. I`m still bored.
Light goes on if you pull the cord
Which payment plan can I afford?
Eat ice cream with some toffee fudge
"Robot" is the Czech word for "drudge".
I, robot. I scream!
Never mind. It doesn`t matter
I eat and drink and just get fatter
Excuse my ramblings. Now, I`ll cease.
And leave you lot in peace ;~)
-----
There was a young fellow named Goff
Whose amusement was jacking it off
He pulled it so hard
It stretched out a yard.
And turned to bright blue and fell off.
==========
QUOTES:
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
-----
"I just woke up, I'm 40 miles from my car and I can't remember where I
left my
trousers. I think I'm going to be a little late."
-- Someone's employee
-----
Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.
-----
When I die, I hope to go to Heaven, whatever the Hell that is.
Ayn Rand
==========
LIST:
Dream Girl Sayings
1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of
beer,
a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!
5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try
again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had
time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy
yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's
sake.
You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new
strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you
retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the
night feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head
for ya.
26. I'm finished, so whenever you're done...
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