| GRAB BAG [6.27.07] |
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| ::darkshadows:: (bloody@mary.org) |
2007/06/27 17:58 |
JOKES:
Special High Intensity Teaching
Memo to all students:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
From students, it will be our policy to keep all students well
taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any
other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of
S.H.I.T.
on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately
placed
at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially
skilled
at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail
to
take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL
ATTITUDE
TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before
they
graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all
full of
S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job
teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING
LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and
consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL
OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course
emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
---------------------------------------------------------
Sign in a Japanese hotel room:
Please to bathe inside the tub.
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Have you heard about the new orgasm pill just approved by the FDA for
women?
It comes with a 16 inch applicator
---------------------------------------------------------
An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles
into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the
receptionist.
Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination
bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."
Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his
penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.
"That's not a foot!" screams the nurse on duty.
"Holy shit, lady!" the drunk exclaims, "I never knew you had
a minimum!"
---------------------------------------------------------
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he
whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed
one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became
impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to
call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who
turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of
his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the
manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but
with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All
right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied
"the balcony."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STORIES:
Happened in Kentucky --
Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM by running a chain
from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of
pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the
bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove
home--. with the chain still attached to the machine-- with
their bumper still attached to the chain-- with their vehicle's
license plate still attached to the bumper.
------------------------------------------------------
Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant
nagging
by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate
harness
to make it look as if he had hanged himself.
When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance
a
neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses,
seized
the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her
arms
laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the
backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart
attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his
wife
were reconciled.
------------------------------------------------------
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had
just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the
garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning.
He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house
and
garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and
Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He
subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog
food.
He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him
undue
mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
POEMS:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme
But this one doesn't
----------------------------------
There was a young man named McFee
Who was stung in the balls by a bee.
He made oodles of money
By oozing pure honey
Every time he attempted to pee.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUOTES:
Doing for people what they can and ought to do for themselves is a
dangerous experiment. In the last analysis the welfare of the workers
depends on their own private initiative.
- Samuel Gompers, 1915
President, American Federation of Labor 1886 - 1924
---------------------------------------------------------
"Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy
driving cabs and cutting hair." -- George Burns
--------------------------------------------------------
The Schizophrenic: an unauthorized autobiography
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