| GRAB BAG [6.26.07] ----- Apis is shamed again |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (bloody@mary.org) |
2007/06/26 15:45 |
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From: "::darkshadows::" <bloody@mary.org>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: GRAB BAG [6.26.07] ----- Apis is shamed again
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Date: Tue, 26 Jun 2007 21:45:22 GMT
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QUOTE:
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the
second
day you're off it.
- Jackie Gleason
======================================
======================================
POEMS:
I'm sure you can imagine
As plain as can be
The place is Piccadilly
The players He and She.
She whispered "will it hurt me?"
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."
She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore".
Then finally contended
Lay back and relax a bit
Quickly and readily he bent over her
And then he started it.
It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been quite a size.
"Calm yourself" he whispered
His face was filled with a grin
"Try and open a bit wider
So I can get it in".
"It's coming now" he whispered
"I know" she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I am having this".
And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.
She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said "I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while".
Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!
------------------------------------
A bather whose clothing was strewd
By breezes which left her quite nude
Saw a man come along
And unless I'm quite wrong
You expected this line to be lewd.
-----------------------------------
Ladies and gentlemen hoes and tramps
crosseyed buzzards and bowlegged ants
admission is free so pay at the door
pull up a chair and set on the floor
one night mid day two boys went to play
back to back brother to brother they
both drew a sword and shot each other
one deaf police officer who heard the noise
came and killed the two dead boys
if you dont believe this lie is true
just ask the blind man he saw it too.
======================================
======================================
JOKES:
The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable
thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a
red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that
wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the
windshield wiper.
Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on
my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the
windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked.
On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it
slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't
get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car
behind me was a police car.
Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was
forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what
had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears.
He simply stated: I am going to have to write you up for flipping me
the bird.
-------------------------------
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
"Da-ad..."
"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a
drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank
you!!"
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to
spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
--------------------------
Definition of Programmer
Programmer:
A person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able
to turn out, after
innumberable poundings, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers
calculated with
micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable
figures from inconclusive
documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by
persons of dubious
reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
annoying and confounding
a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask
for the information
in the first place.
----------------------------
Q: What is a blonde who died her hair brown?
A: Artificial Intelligence.
---------------------------
"Doctor, doctor!" shouted the woman coming into the doctors offfice.
"I
think I'm turning into a man" then the doctor says, " Now hold on
little lady what makes you think that you're turning into a man?" "
Well" said the woman "I'm starting to grow hair on my chest" and then
the doctor asked, " Well then, how far down your chest is your hair
growing? " and then she replied, "All the way down to my dick".
---------------------------------------
How can you tell if an Irishman is present at a cock fight?
He enters a duck.
How can you tell if a Pole is present?
He bets money on the duck.
How can you tell if an Italian is present?
The duck wins.
----------------------------------------
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing,
the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man
picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and
diseases going around.
Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all
these diseases when you were young did they?"
Grandpa replies, "Nope."
Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"
Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
-----------------------------------------
Why do they bury lawers 26 feet underground?
Because deep down, they are really nice guys.
---------------------
Dear All,
The Leaders of the world are asking for your support to combat
terrorism
and we're encouraging to demonstrate against the terrorists this
Friday
at 15:00 hours.
It is a well-known fact that the terrorists are against alcohol
consumption and think it is sinful to look at a naked woman.
Therefore,
at 15:00 this Friday, all women should run naked through the office
while
men chase them with a beer in their hands. This, we are told, is the
best
way to show our disgust for the fanatics and will hopefully help us in
detecting the terrorists among us.
Remember, you are either with us ... or against us. Your efforts are
much
appreciated in the name of a free, democratic world.
Thank you.
======================================
======================================
STORIES:
The nursery rhyme "Ring Around the Rosey" is a rhyme about the plague.
Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring
around the rosey"), these sores would smell very badly so common folks
would put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that
it would cover the smell of the sores ("a pocket full of posies").
Furthermore, people who died from the plague would be burned so as to
reduce the possible spread of the disease ("ashes, ashes, we all fall
down").
----------------------------
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster,
Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms.Carson had
thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
-------------------------
St. Petersburg, Florida:
A Florida woman is offering to sell one of her kidneys
to pay off a hospital debt.
Ruth Sparrow ran an ad over the weekend in The
St. Petersburg Times. It read: "KIDNEY - Runs good. Taking offers."
Sparrow is serious. She owes $20,000 for gall bladder surgery,
and wants to pay it off.
She says both her kidneys work fine and she's willing to part
with one to settle her debt. She offered one directly to Bayfront
Medical Center, which turned it down.
The newspaper has stopped running the ad, since selling organs
is illegal in Florida
-------------------------------
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