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Subject: GRAB BAG [06.19.07] ---- This'll keep Apis busy
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Date: Tue, 19 Jun 2007 17:07:27 GMT
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GRAB BAG [06.19.07]
=================
JOKES:
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men: "don't"
and "stop".
----------------------------------
I was out with one of my best drinking buddies, George, and he was
talking about marriage, and then his wife. He drank some, then said,
"Well, what it comes down to Jimmy, is... well... my wife knows nothing
of my wants and needs... she's hardly ever in the mood for sex... I guess
what it comes down to is that my wife just doesn't understand me at all,
does yours ?" I thought about it a minute or two, then said. "I don't
think so George, as a matter of fact, I don't recall her ever even
mentioning your name at all."
---------------------------------
Why are there so many Jones's in the phone book? Because they all have
phones.
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What do you call a truckload of vibrators? -Toys for Twats.
----------------------------------
Little Freddie said to Little Johnny, "My dad's tougher than your dad!"
"Oh yeah?" said Little Johnny, "My dad is so tough, he has lightbulbs for
dinner!" "Really?" Yeah, the other night I heard him tell my mom, 'Turn
out the light, I wanna eat it!'"
=================
STORIES:
Think of this guy the next time you think you are having a bad day! Rob
is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail
he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring
a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won. Hi Sue, Just
another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had bad day
at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I
thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so
bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must
bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies
at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is
this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000
piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful
temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose,
which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan,
and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get
to the bottom and start working is, I take the hose and stuff it down the
back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like
working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my
ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things
worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out
from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had
happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it
into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over
the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he,
along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to
say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water
decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface
to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I
was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water,
the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube
of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I get in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for 2 days because my
asshole was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work,
think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up
your ass! Tight lines and calm seas, Richard
----------------------------------
Microsoft Corp. dismissed an anti-virus company's claim that versions of
Internet Explorer 3.0 and above possess another hole in security by
calling the feature in question a "design thing, not a bug."
----------------------------------
----------------------------------
=================
POEMS:
De Ebonics Crimmus Poem
Wuz de nite befo Crimmus;
And all ower da hood;
ereybody wuz' sleepin';
Dey wuz sleepin' good.
We hunged up our stockings;
An hoped like de' heck;
That old Santa Clause;
Be bringin' our check.
All o'de fambily;
Wuz layin in de beds;
While Ripple and Thunderbird;
Danced through dey heads.
I passed out inna' flo;
Right nex to my Maw;
When I heard sech a fuss;
I looked out thru de bars;
What covered my doe;
'spectin' de sheriff;
Wif a warrent fo sho.
And what did I see; I said,
"Lawd look at dat!!"
Ther' wuz a huge watermellon;
Pulled by giant warf rats!!
Now ober all de years;
Santa Clause, he be white;
But looks liken us bros;
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.
Faster dan a Po'lees car;
My home boy he came;
He whupped on dem warf rats;
An' called dem by name!
On Leroy, on 'Lonzo ;
And on Willie Lee;
On Saphire, on Chenequa;
Dey wuz a site to see!!
As he landed dat watta' mellon;
Out der in da skreet;
I knowed it was fo' sho';
Da damndest site I ebber did see.
He didn't go down no chimbley;
He picked da' lock on my doe;
An' I sez to myself;
"Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!"
He had dis big bag;
Full of prezents I 'xpect;
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold;
To wear roun' my neck.
But he left no good prezents;
Jus started stealing my shit;
Got my drugs, got my guns,
Even got my burglar's kit!!
Wit my stuff in de bag;
Out da window he flewed;
I woudda' tried to catched him;
But he stoled my 'nife too!!
He jumped on dat wadda' mellon;
An' whipped out a switch;
He wuz gone in a seccon';
Dat son of a bitch!!
Next year I be hopin':
Anutha Sanna we git;
Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause;
Jus' ain't werf a shit!!!
----------------------------------
The Killer's Apology
Here I sit, upon death row
Electrodes fastened to my toes.
And though I know that I must die
I think I should apologize
To those I know that I have wronged,
Beaten, strangled, stuck with prongs
It was not what I really meant
All those deaths were accidents.
I did not mean to murder Sam
Though I beat him with a ham.
He said the meat was much too dry
So I used his head to tenderize.
And I did not mean to dispatch Sue
by filling both her lungs with glue.
I should have known there were better
Ways for us to stick together.
I have to say I quite regret
Defenestrating my pal Chet.
But really, how was I to know
That window wouldn't just stay closed?
Becky's death -- a random fluke;
My prints were planted on that flute.
And though they searched high and low
They never found that piccolo.
I spare a moment for good ol' Jake
Who I deposited in the lake.
I always thought that he could swim;
I guess the restraints are what did him in.
And oh, how I do miss Peter
Though I stuffed him in a water heater.
He might not have made it in this verse
If I hadn'ta stuck him in head first.
Bonnie, my bonnie, my, what a lass!
Taken down by methane gas.
If I only knew then what I know now:
Don't ever mess with a farting cow.
And I'll admit, the point is moot
Albert I did electrocute.
Children, never take this risk:
Water and toasters just don't mix.
Wendy was an awful neighbor
But I'm sorry about the elevator.
I did not know she was in the thing
When I snipped the cable like a string.
I'd like to remember my good friend Drew
Who I served up in a barbecue.
It was his idea, really, because you see
He always liked to say "Eat Me."
I think I was misunderstood
When I tied up Katie in those woods
She always said she liked the bears
So I put honey in her hair.
Alan claimed he was a jock
So I crushed him with a rock.
His boast that he was made of steel
Was something rather less than real.
No one was more surprised than Joan
That ferrets stripped her to the bone.
Reflecting, I see I was foolhardy
To place bacon up and down her body.
Mike had on an amazing grin When I set him in liquid nitrogen.
I did not do so for the hell of it;
I wanted to put him in his element.
Bob declared I was a buffoon;
I set him aloft in a weather balloon.
But there is not one who felt more grief
When that balloon popped at 45,000 feet.
Jeremy was timid, Jeremy was shy
I placed him in an oven and set it on fry.
I should have known better, that this was not
The way to help women to think he was hot.
So you see every death was quite accidental
I would not blame you if you thought I was mental.
But I would say that it is rather as such:
My problem was just that I cared too darn much.
Now here I go, to meet my God
And all of my friends that I put in the sod. I have just one wish, if you
lean close to hear:
It's to help them up there as I helped them down here
. -- John Scalzi
copyright(c) John Scalzi John Scalzi is a columnist and humorist living
in Virginia.
----------------------------------
The Jung Idea
The young things who frequent picture-palaces
Have no use for this psycho-analysis;
And although doctor Freud
Is distinctly annoyed
They cling to their long-standing fallacies.
=================
QUOTES:
"How tall are you?" "Six foot seven." "Let's forget about the six feet
and talk about the seven inches." - Mae West
----------------------------------
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
----------------------------------
Government doesn't work. - Harry Browne
----------------------------------
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-
out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
cried, but I think deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I
started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
late.
----------------------------------
"Alcohol will be free, and a basic birthright of a human being in a
socialist system. The individual didn't ask for sobriety, so why should
the individual be billed to inebriate himself?" --- Al Koholik
----------------------------------
=================
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