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Subject: GRAB BAG [06.17.07]
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Date: Sun, 17 Jun 2007 21:24:08 GMT
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GRAB BAG [06.17.07]
=================
JOKES:
A wild life photographer goes on an expedition to South America to
photograph
the legendary and hitherto unseen foo bird. On the way he attempts to
hire
porters from a tribe of Pygmys. They warn him of the dreaded curse on
all
who look upon the bird and refuse to join. Undaunted the intrepid
photographer
continues to the banks of the Amazon where he sets up a blind and waits.
After several days, lo and behold, a foo bird flies directly over the
river.
In a rush of excitement, the photographer rushes out of the blind and
snaps off
a shot. No sooner has he done this then a huge, evil smelling flock of
foos
congregate over his head and completely cover him in guano.
The slimy stuff starts to harden and restrict his breathing. He
frantically
tries to get the stuff off but to no avail. Finally in desperation, he
throws
himself into the river. A large crocodile promptly eats him.
The moral?
It the foo shits, wear it.
----------------------------------
Here is this guy who really takes care of his body,
he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his
body. he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over,
except his penis, and he decies to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, strips completey and burries himself
in the sand, except for his penis sticking out of the sand.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one
looks down and says "There is no justice in this world".
The other lady says "What do you mean?"
The first lady says "Look at that".
When I was 10 Yeras old I was afriad of it.
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild
---------------------------------
What do you call a man with his right hand in a sharks mouth?
Lefty.
----------------------------------
There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of
the party was "war".
The first person comes up onto the stage and says, "I'm an
atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.
The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen
bomb." Again, there's applause and he steps down.
And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says,
"I'm dynamite."
Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked
why, he says, "Didn't you see how small his fuse was?"
----------------------------------
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious
Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex Nope, no more booze for me Sorry,
but you're not really my type Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out
tonight
=================
STORIES:
Volunteer Fire Department
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire
department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The
fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle,
so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called.
Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call
was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck.
They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the
flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically
started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the
center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable
parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work
and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the
volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the
department planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do
is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."
----------------------------------
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically,
the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day,
my sister has never let me forget
----------------------------------
Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on
the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged
in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly
locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over
300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying
Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage
to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat
chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have
been more severe. The Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to the
'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface
missile
attack. Luckily(?) the Harrier was operating unarmed.
----------------------------------
A sign in a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS
=================
POEMS:
There's a lot has been said 'bout the breast---
Like how nicely they feel when they're pressed.
But when push comes to shove,
In this business of love,
Its "twats" 'tween the legs that is best.
----------------------------------
A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
In twenty-eight days
They got laid eighty ways---
Imagine such fucking devotion.
=================
QUOTES:
We should restore the practice of dueling. It might improve manners
around here.
- Edward Abbey
----------------------------------
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu
speech.
-- Mark Twain
----------------------------------
* Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!!!)
----------------------------------
"Sorry about that Chief."
- Maxwell Smart
----------------------------------
"If your mind changes itself fast enough, the result is vertigo."
- Jim Harrison
=================
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