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From: "::darkshadows::" <over@there.com>
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Subject: Grab Bag [6.10.07]
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Date: Sun, 10 Jun 2007 09:01:51 GMT
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JOKES:
What's the difference between mono and herpes?
You get mono from from snatching a kiss....
=====
Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same
building.
One was 40 years old, the other over 70. They rode on the elevator
together at the end of an unbearable hot, sticky day. The younger man
was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his
senior was fresh as a daisy. "I don't understand," he marveled, "how
you can listen to drooling patients from morning till night on a day
like this and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over."
The older analyst said simply, "Who listens?"
=====
Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic
young preacher raised himself to full height, leaned over
the pulpit and boomed,
"Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have
committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of
your mouf!"
=====
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the
blonde behind the wheel was knitting.
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the
driver--"PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"
=====
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and
insane regulations at the department of motor vehiciles, a lady
stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her
selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge,"
the clerk asked.
"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained,
" I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehical bureau. I am way past
sane!!"
"Shall I gift -wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you
going back there?"
=====
Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95.
Isaac is incredulous. 'Pop,' he says, 'you can't run Windows 95 on
your old, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a fast 486
with a minimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask effectively
with Windows 95.'
But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied,
'God will provide the RAM, my son'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STORIES:
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors
in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski , and
his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admittedfor
emergency treatment after a fetching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our
gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual Kiki shouted out 'Armagedon," my
cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't
come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking
the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next, "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a
flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair severely
burning his face,. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers
which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine,
propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered
second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil,
while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and
lower intestinal tract.
=====
HOW DOES YOUR GARDEN GROW?
We were doing the weekly ritual of trimming everyone's nails that
needed them today, and I saw that Kaitlyn's were pretty stubby because
she chews them quite often. When I asked her if she had been chewing
them, she said "No, I don't know why they aren't growing. I haven't
been watering them!"
=====
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming
down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the
crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws
and roar. So it went, step, step, "ROAR," step, step, "ROAR,"
all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was
near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the
pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed
from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he
reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child
sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
=====
[News of the Weird, 18 May 93, San Jose Mercury News]A 24-year-old
salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana, Fla.,in March
when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip ofInterstate 95
in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the manwas traveling
at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was foundopen and
clutched to his chest, had been busy reading.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
POEMS:
There was a young fellow named Veach
Who fell fast asleep on the beach.
His dreams of nude women
Had his proud organ brimming
And squirting on all within reach.
=====
When a woman in strapless attire
Found her breasts working higher and higher,
A guest, with great feeling,
Exclaimed, "How appealing!
Do you mind if I piss in the fire?"
=====
A milkmaid of Warnesby Fair
Was an expert at riding bulls bare.
Oh how the bulls gallop
To give that dear trollop
A bounce on the sweet derry-air.
=====
There once was a man from Horton,
Who had one long ball and one short one,
To make up for his loss,
He had a cock like a hoss,
And could fart like a 650 Norton.
=====
As Apollo was chasing the fair
Daphne she vanished in air.
He could find but a shrub
With thick bark on the hub
And not even a knot-hole to spare.
=====
In the shade of an old apple tree,
Where between her fat legs, I could see
A little brown spot
With the hair in a knot
And it certainly looked good to me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUOTES:
"Nobody seems more obsessed by diet than our antimaterialist,
otherworldly, New Age, spiritual types. But if the material world is
merely illusion, an honest guru should as content with Budweiser and
bratwurst as with raw carrot juice, tofu, and seaweed slime."
--Edward Abbey
=====
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right
now."
=====
"I'd love to go out with you but I've got a Friends of the Lowly
Rutabaga meeting..."
-- fortune
=====
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear. -
Te audire non possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
-- Jason B. Standing, Esq.
=====
"[The Net is] roted beyong belif...
...
my typing is whit
shit"
-- Daniel O'Connor (talk conversation)
=====
"If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"
Art Hoppe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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