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From: "::darkshadows::" <over@there.com>
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Subject: Today's Grab Bag --- You'll never catch up Apis
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Date: Mon, 04 Jun 2007 20:35:00 GMT
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Today's jokes
At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:
Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea."
Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to
change your mind?"
Defendant: "No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know
there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my
wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors."
-----
Two retired ladies were on the beach in Miami.
They were discussing the fact that if they go
for a swim, someone might steal their cigarettes,
but if they take the cigarettes with them, they
will get soaked. Then they notice a gorgeous girl
walking out of the ocean. She reaches into the top
of her swimsuit, pulls out a perfectly dry
cigarette and book of matches and lights up. The
ladies go up to the girl and ask, "How do you keep
your cigarettes dry?" Her answer, "I put them inside
of a condom."
The women rush to a pharmacy and ask for a
condom. When the pharmacist asks, "What size?" one of
the ladies says, "It should fit a Camel."
-----
Age Successful Date
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."
-----
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long
and
then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired.
Holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do
you
see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can
you
deduce from it?"
Watson yawns and tries to play the game. "Well, this clearly tells us
the
weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."
"No, my friend. It's much simpler than that. Someone has stolen our
tent."
-----
Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said "Please give me a
prescription for the Pill."
"I don't think you need the Pill at your age."
"It relaxes me."
"But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not for
relaxing," exclaimed the physician.
"I know," said Mrs Ogden, "but my daughter dates, and every
morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel
more relaxed.
-----
A woman gives birth to twins, a girl and a boy.
Her husband isn't there, and she doesn't want
to name them without him seeing them first. But
the hospital insists that the babies must be
named by the end of the day. Crazy Uncle Louie
overhears this and he names them (unbeknowst to
the couple). Later the husband arrives, and the
happy couple are set to name the babies when a
nurse informs them that Uncle Louie already took
care of that. "Oh no!" they cry. "He's crazy and
doesn't know what he's doing. What names did he
pick?" The nurse says, "Well, he named the girl
Deniece." "Whew, not bad. In fact, that's nice.
And how about the boy?" "Denephew."
-----
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a
fairly regular basis.
After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said
politely."
"This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself
pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty
upset."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's stories
Paul Carthy, 25, pleaded guilty in Exeter, England, in September to
theft
subsequent to his original charge of shoplifting from a liquor store.
In
the second theft, he had stolen the magnetic letters off the name
board
that was held up to his face when his mug shot was taken.
-----
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret
base
in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very
surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They
immediately
impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation
room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and
spotted
the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force
started a
full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during
the
investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was
lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a
terrifying
"you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending
the
rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on
such-and-such
a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna
showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this
time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but
my
wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
-----
An economist is back in his old college town many years after
graduation and decides to drop in on one of his old professors.
He happens to see a copy of an exam sitting on the desk so he
picks it up to look at it. Upon deciding that it looks familiar he
comments to the professor that it is the same exam that he had
taken 10 years ago. The professor assures him that this is
correct but adds that this time the answers are different.
-----
Jerome Irving Rodale:
Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of "Organic
Farming
and Gardening" magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major
publishing
corporation.
How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show", while discussing the benefits
of
organic foods.
Rodale, who bragged "I'm going to live to be 100 unless I'm run down
by a
sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only 72 when he appeared on the "Dick
Cavett Show" in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he
dropped
dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never
aired.
-----
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's poems
There was a young laundress of Lamas
Who invented high amorous dramas
For the spots she espied
Dried and hardened inside
The pants of the parson's pajama
-----
An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
She will use her bare fist
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves.
-----
There was a young woman in Dee
Who stayed with each man she did see.
When it came to a test
She wished to be best,
And practice makes perfect, you see.
-----
There once was a writer named Twain
Who had a peculiar stain
Surrounding the head
Of his prick, it was red
And it was said to wash off in the rain.
-----
There was a young girl of La Plata
Who was widely renowned as a farter.
Her deafening reports
At the Argentine sports
Made her much in demand as a starter.
-----
There was a young fellow named Harry,
Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
He pressed it on a virgin
Who, without any urgin',
Immediately spread like a fairy.
-----
To an ancient divine of Tyrone
Was the art of rebushing cunts known.
In each cunt he would ram
A fine, prime raw ham,
And then deftly extracted the bone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's quotes
"It occurred to me recently that although the information road has
grown
from a goat track to a superhighway, there has been if anything an
increase in the chance of hitting a goat."
- Ken Olum, 1996
-----
Edward P. Tryon - "In answer to the question of why it
happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is
simply one of those things which happen from time to time."
-----
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and
smile for
a satellite picture.
-----
"We've got a kitchen by Giger, but we're too scared to go in there."
-- from the sig of Peter H. Coffin, in
alt.sysadmin.recovery
-----
"I like frogs because they get together in warm moist places and sing
about sex."
-----
"Still not getting any."
-- Drew Hamilton, in an article titled
"July 17 Update" in alt.sex.drew-hamilton
-----
"Death is yellow and smells of vanilla.""Are you sure?""I'd bet money
on it." -- "The Hairdresser's Husband" (a movie I saw on SBS)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's Puzzle
Pick a positive integer to start a sequence. Now double it, and add
one to the result: this is the second number of your sequence. Double
that number, and add one, and that will be your third number; repeat
the doubling and adding, and you will have a fourth number, and so on.
If you start with a prime number, and you keep doubling and adding
one, is it possible to produce a sequence with only prime numbers?
ANSWER below
Solution:
First, let's try p=2; we produce 5, 11, 23, 47, but 95 isn't a prime,
so from now on, we can assume p is odd.
If the first number is a(0)=p, we have a(n+1)=2a(n)+1, and it's easy
to show that a(n)=p.2^n+(2^n-1).
Consider a(n) modulus p; a(n) is congruent to 2^n-1, so a(p-1) is
congruent to 2^(p-1)-1, but applying Fermat's little theorem, 2^(p-1)
is congruent to 1 modulus p, so a(p-1) is a multiple of p, so it's not
a prime.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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