Today's jokes [6.1.07]
1.
"I think Rover is getting a bit old, he seems to be going deaf."
"Bullshit, watch this...Rover sit! Oh dear, you're right, I'll get
the shovel and clean it up!"
2.
A guest from some foreign country was bragging that in HIS
country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.
Ray listened patiently. "That's amazing. Where I come from
there's really only one."
"Oh," sniffed the Romeo, "just one? And which way is that?"
"Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . . "
"Praise Allah!!! Number 80!!!"
3.
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A tea bag.
4.
Is everyone out in net land familiar with Sensormatic? They are the
company that make the large plastic clips that set off alarms when you
exit a department store. I used to work for a department store and
this is what we did.
Open up the clip and remove the shiny piece of paper. It is about an
inch long and about half an inch wide. This is the "thingy" (that is
the technical word for it) that sets off the alarm. This "thingy" is
easy to insert into a pen case, lining of a jacket ...
We did this to a co worker and needless to say, he had problems
wearing a
particular jacket to work.
5.
Four Mexicans were in an open truck that had run into the lake. The
two
in the front seat escaped unharmed, but the two in the back bed
drowned -
they couldn't get the tailgate open!
6.
This girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks
"Whats a failic symbol?
Doctor says "you're kidding.."
Girl says "no! I don't know! Whats a failic symbol???"
Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says "You see? This is a
failic symbol!"
Girl says "Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller"
7.
Two guys get stuck on a desert island. They are soon caught by the
natives and brought to a village and put before the cheif. He says to
the first guy, "As punishment for tresspassing I give you a choice,
death or Ru Ru".Not wanting to die he picks Ru Ru. He is then beaten
and buggered to unconciousness right in front of his friend. The 2nd
guy when asks says "I'd rather die than suffer that ". The chief says
"Great,death it is, death by Ru Ru"!!!
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Today's stories [6.1.07]
1.
[AP, Arkansas] A woman named Linda went to
Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while
there, went to a store. She parked next to a car
with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and
hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When
Linda came out a while later, she again saw the
woman, her hands still behind her head but with
her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so
Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you
okay?" The woman answered "I've been shot in the
head, and I am holding my brains in." Linda didn't
know what to do; so she ran into the store where
store officials called the paramedics. They had to
break into the car because the door was locked.
When they got in, they found that the woman had
bread dough on the back of her head and in her
hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded,
apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud
explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in
the head. When she reached back to find what it
was, she felt the dough and thought it was her
brains. She passed out from fright at first, then
attempted to hold her brains in!
2.
I was about 12, and I was riding my bike in my neighborhood.
It was a little dark outside so I looked up, and in the sky
was a little white light, I thought it was the first star in
the sky, so I stared at it and made a wish, well as I was
making the wish I ran right into a parked car! I flew off my
bike onto the car, half way, and before the people could come
out and see who I was I ran with my bike crying the whole way
home, just to look up in the sky as I got to my door and
realized that the star was not a star after all it was a plane,
I failed to see the little red light too.
3.
A sign seen over the toilet paper dispenser in a military "latrine"
(bathroom): "Another quality product of the 3M company, sandpaper
division."
4.
A sign in Aamchi Mumbai restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO
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Today's poems [6.1.07]
1.
If Dr. Seuss Wrote for Star Trek: The Next Generation
Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star,
So Data, please, how far? How far?
Data: Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We'll have two days til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?
Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.
LaForge: But sir, the engines are offline!
Picard: Offline: But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!
Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
The danger here is far too great!
Picard: But surely we must not be late!
Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire.
Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!
Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?
Riker: Not me.
Worf: Not me.
Picard: Computer, how long til we die?
Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.
Data: May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems...
Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!
Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.
You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.
Troi: We still must save the Indran planet --
Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite...
Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand -- we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.
Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires
And that's what started all the fires.
Troi: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!
Riker: We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him, "Why?"
Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.
Troi: Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven't even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?
Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
I can't just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!
Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.
Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.
*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*
Worf: The saboteur is in the brig.
He's very strong and very big.
I had my fazer set on stun.
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.
Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?
Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.
Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!
Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!
Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...?
Geordi: Yes, sir, we can.
Picard: Then make it so!
***** THE END *****
2.
There was a young pair from Uganda
Who were having a fuck on a veranda.
The drip from their fucks
Fed forty two ducks,
Three geese, and a fucking big gander.
3.
A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
To entice his regard
She would squat in his yard
And appealingly piss in the snow.
4.
A crooner who lived in Lahore
Got his balls caught in a door.
Now his mezzo soprano
Is rather piano
Though he was a loud basso before.
5.
A near-sighted chap named Coulter
Led a glamorous gal to the altar.
Quite lovely he thought her
Till some strong soap and hot water
Made her look like the rock of Gibraltar.
6.
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.
7.
A crafty young bard named McMahon
Whose poetry never would scan,
Once said with a pause,
"It's prob'ly because
I am always attempting to insert as many extra
syllables into the ultimate line as I
possibly can."
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Today's quotes [6.1.07]
1.
The best cure for insomnia is plenty of sleep.
- W. C. Fields
2.
"The POP3 server service depends on the SMTP server service, which
failed to initialize because of the following error:
The operation completed successfully."
-- Windows NT Server v3.51
3.
ON MODERNISM
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two.
One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with
brightly colored machine tools.
4.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
Steve Bluestone
5.
I knew a tattoo artist whose wife left him because he had designs on
other women.
-Joey Adams
6.
"Basses like Altos. Altos like Basses. Tenors like Tenors. Sopranos
like discos." -- Choral relationships explained by Eric the Fruitbat
(aka Paul Sleigh, fruitbat@matra.com.au)
7.
"But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so
far as we can tell."
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Today's Picture
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