| TODAY's Jokes, Stories, Poems, Quotes and Picture - tidy bowl cat.jpg (0/1) |
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From: darkshadows <not@here.net>
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Subject: TODAY's Jokes, Stories, Poems, Quotes and Picture - tidy bowl cat.jpg (0/1)
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Today's jokes [5.30.07]
1.
These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One
day
Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had
some
sex so you oughta let me fuck you." Joe replied. "Are you crazy?!!"
Larry
went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a
coin
and see who fucks, who first. So, Joe thought about it for a minute
and
finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong
reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?" Larry
told
Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But
if it
feels good start singing." Larry started the insertion and Joe
screamed,
Moooooooo. Moooooo. Mooooon River......
2.
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd
scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.
Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her,
"Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
3.
Build an Ark
The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until
the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want
you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the
blueprints for the ark."
Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall.
Noah sat in his front yard, weeping.
"Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord.
"Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things
happened.
"The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to
change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance
by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience..
"The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a
state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals.
"The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the
flood. the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood
plain.
"The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying
taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission
said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians.
"I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years."
Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to
shine.
Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to
devastate the earth?"
"Right," said the Lord. "The government already has."
4.
Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern.
To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said "Mike, I'll be havin'
three whiskeys."
Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. "Now, Timothy,
it's not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It's
celebratin', you are.
"Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebrating
me first blow job."
Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar.
"Now, that's special," he said. "For an old customer like y'rself,
here's a fourth on the house, so I may be sharin' your celebration
with you."
Shandy shook his head, and replied "'Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal,
but I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won't
either."
5.
Feminist's Fairytale!!
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess
happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an
evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and will turn back
into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom
and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and
forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing
and saying, "I don't think so."
6.
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and
replied, "Bud."
================================================================================
====
Today's stories [5.30.07]
1.
Andrea told me that while she was playing cards her friend
called. Her friend said, "What are ya playing?" Andrea said,
"Solitaire." He friend (Judi?) said, "Yeah? Who are you
playing with?"
2.
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an
airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16
bills.
3.
IDIOTS ON THE ROAD
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe
to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually
challenged coworker of mine(a blonde), when she asked if I knew
what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
She responded, appalled "What on earth are blind people doing
driving?"
4.
Dear All,
The Leaders of the world are asking for your support to combat
terrorism and we're encouraging to demonstrate against the terrorists
this Friday at 15:00 hours.
It is a well-known fact that the terrorists are against alcohol
consumption and think it is sinful to look at a naked woman.
Therefore, at 15:00 this Friday, all women should run naked through
the office while men chase them with a beer in their hands. This, we
are told, is the best way to show our disgust for the fanatics and
will hopefully help us in detecting the terrorists among us.
Remember, you are either with us ... or against us. Your efforts are
much appreciated in the name of a free, democratic world.
Thank you.
===================================================================
Today's poems [5.30.07]
1.
There was a young lady from Asia
Who shaved her legs with a razor
One day she went high
Right up past here thigh
And the gash it left would amaze ya!
2.
There was a young student of art
Who made a strange anatomical chart:
In place of the chest
A grease spot on the vest,
And in place of the asshole a fart.
3.
He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.
4.
There once was a man from Dundee
Who was fucking an ape in a tree.
The results were most horrid:
All ass and no forehead,
Three balls and a purple goatee!
5.
By a cozy peat fire in O'Dell,
Sat a Scot and a Mick, I hear tell.
"I'm full," cried O'Brien.
Said McLoed,"Well, I'm buyin'."
Sure and now, that's a cold day in hell.
6.
A sailor indulged in coitus
With a cow of the genus of Cetus.
Piscatologists thundered,
Biologists wondered,
At the anchor tattooed on the fetus.
======================================
Today's quotes [5.30.07]
1.
I'd just like to say that of all the people I've ever known,
you are one of them.
Unknown
2.
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act."
-- Truman Capote
3.
"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem,
it is generally employed only by small children and large
nations." -- David Friedman
4.
"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers
exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will
instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre
and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has
already happened."
- Douglas Adams
5.
"Doing a thing well is often a waste of time." -- Robert Byrne
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TODAY's PICTURE
Tidy Bowl Kitty
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