Ultimate Redneck Test
You score points for every statement below that applies to you. You
will notice that some items have double points, because they count in
car category and another 10 under education for 20 total points.
The Redneck Test for Cars and Trucks
1 Point: You've ever parked a vehicle in a tree. (2 points if it was a
Camero)
1 Point: You have a rag for a gas cap. (2 points if you regularly
drive the car)
1 Point: You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your
car. (2 points if it has been there for more than a month, 3 points if
more than 3 months. Continue to add 1 point each month.)
2 Points: You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
2 Points: Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer
gray. (Add one more for each additional color)
2 Points: The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the
front ones.
2 Points: When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
(Double points: Car & Booze = 4 total)
5 Points: You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so
clean.
5 Points: You consider your license plate personalized because your
father made it in prison. (Double points: Car & Family = 10 total)
5 Points: You mow your lawn and find a car. (Add 5 points for each
additional car you find.)
5 Points: There is more than one car up on blocks in the front yard.
(Double points: Car & Home Decorating = 10 total per car) 10 Points:
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
(Double points: Car & Education = 20 total) Jeffroe Hatfield holds the
high score for this section at 221 points. Jeffroe mowed his lawn last
summer and discovered 4 trucks and 3 cars. (6 were actually in the
grass. One was a Camero in a tree that he could not see because the
grass was that high.) Four had hefty bags in the passenger windows and
6 had rags for gas caps. He poured gin in their gas tanks, but could
only get one to start. He put wide rear tires on that one along with
the license plate that his father made. He plans to haul hay bales in
it. The rest he put up on blocks in the front yard and has partially
The Redneck Dogs, Hunting and Road Kill Test
2 Points: You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
(Double points: Dog & Hygiene = 4 total)
2 Points: Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. (Double
points: Hunting & Family = 4 total)
5 Points: You have forgotten which coat is sprayed in deer-pee, and
worn it to church.
5 Points: You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
(Double points: Hunting & Family = 10 total)
5 Points: Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him
around in. (Double points: Hunting & Truck = 10 total)
5 Points: You and your friends sit on your roof at Christmas time
hoping to fill your deer quota. (Triple points: Hunting, Entertainment
& Friends = 5 points per person)
5 Points: You've ever tried to hit a deer with your vehicle ... on
purpose! (Double points: Hunting & Truck = 10 total) 10 Points: If you
(Double points: Hunting & Truck = 20 total) 20 Points: You have the
local taxidermist on speed dial.
Christmas rituals are legendary. Every year (after he gives both his
their shotguns and a case of PBR beer in hopes of bagging Rudolf. This
eventually led to his wife, Maycee, to ask for a divorce. She sued for
custody of their 2 prize hunting dogs. Now he hunts with his 1976
The Redneck Education Guide
2 Points: You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
2 Points: The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking
Institute". (Double Points: Education & Decorating = 4 total)
5 Points: Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has
an opening on the lube rack. (Double Points: Education & Family = 10
total) 20 Points: You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury
duty.
25-year-old Sherwood Fleabalm is the most recent individual to rack up
the 36 possible points in this section. After completing 6th grade
recently graduated from the Alabama School of Trucking and
The Redneck Entertainment Challenge
1 Point: You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high
dive.
1 Point: The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway
Twitty record collection.
1 Point: You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at
work.
1 Point: You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
(Double Points: Cars & Entertainment = 2 total)
5 Points: You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
5 Points: You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
5 Points: You've been too drunk to fish. (Double Points: Booze &
Entertainment = 10 total)
5 Points: You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality
entertainment. (Double Points: Alcohol & Entertainment = 10 total) 10
Points: You celebrate Groundhog Day (cause ya believe in it!!) 10
Points: You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest
contest".
20 Points: You win the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
Clyde Calpepper, holder of the top score (75 points) in this category,
has wide ranging interests: Conrad Twitty, wrestling, and stock car
dis was da first time I ever bean too drunk ta fish. Else ah wooda got
Redneck Food and Booze Test
1 Point: You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
1 Point: You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are major food
groups.
1 Point: You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
Entertainment = 2 total)
2 Points: You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
2 Points: You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest
invention of all time.
2 Points: Your idea of a 7-course meal is a bucket of KFC and a
six-pack.
5 Points: You have lost one tooth opening a beer bottle. (Double
Points: Booze & Hygiene = 10 total points for each tooth)
5 Points: Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting
events. (Triple Points: Booze, Family & Entertainment = 15 total) 10
Points: Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
10 Points: Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction
in your hometown. (Double Points: Booze & Entertainment = 20 total) 10
Points: You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. (Triple
Points: Hunting, Food & Truck = 30 total) 10 Points: Your dog can't
watch you eat without gagging. (Triple Points: Hygiene, Dogs & Food=
draws tourists from 7 counties, so she decided to put in a concession
stand serving barbequed Spam on a cracker, beef jerky, Moon Pies, pork
want to carry out and dreams of expanding her little restaurant into a
The Redneck Friends and Family Test
1 Point: You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
1 Point: Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy
Center. (Double Points: Family & Entertainment = 2 total)
hairdo.
2 Points: Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. (Double
Points: Family & Car = 4 total)
5 Points: Your spouse or child weighs more then your refrigerator.
5 Points per Relative: A living relative is named after a southern
civil war general.
5 Points: You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
5 Points: Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this
afore I flush it." (Triple Points: Family, Hygiene & Entertainment =
15 total) 10 Points: Your neighbors think you're a detective because a
cop always brings you home.
10 Points: Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high
school sports event. (Double Points: Family & Entertainment = 20
total) 20 Points: You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet
`Ms. Right'.
20 Points: Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Jeff Davis, a real family man, holds the high point honors (101) in
this category. Every weekend he goes with his mother, tag-team
wrestler Super-Sized Dolly, and his son, Jeff Davis Junior, to the zoo
nothing wrong with marrying your cousin. After all, my sister married
Home Decorating
1 Point per Item: You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.
1 Point: You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
1 Point: You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
1 Point: The directions to your house include "turn off the paved
road".
1 Point: Your boat has not left the driveway in a long time. (Double
Points: Decorating & Entertainment = 2 points for every year)
clocks, figurines, mugs etc.
2 Points: Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
2 Points: The Salvation Army declines your stuff.
5 Points: There is a stuffed formerly alive animal anywhere in your
house. (Double Points: Home & Road kill = 10 points per animal)
5 Points per Decoration: The neighbors started a petition over your
Christmas lights.
5 Points per Painting: You own a painting on black velvet. (10 points
5 Points: You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
(Double Points: Home & Hygiene = 10 total)
5 Points: Your home has more miles on it than your car.
10 Points: Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
easier to spray Round-Up all over everything.
10 Points: Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
10 Points: You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
10 Points: You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your
front yard.
10 Points per Item Brought Home: You come back from the dump with more
than you took.
20 points: If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night
involves putting on shoes, a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
25 points: A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth
of improvement.
Noted art-on-velvet painter Charlene Blumenshine scored the most
points (268 without a tornado hitting the neighborhood) in this
section. Last summer, she and her taxidermist husband, Furd, burned
the yard around their trailer, so it would be easier to get to the
bathroom and refrigerator. To their surprise, they discovered their
boat and the 3 toilets she brought home from the dump and planted
flowers in 2 years ago. But the biggest advantage was now they can see
their year-round Christmas display even better. Charlene regularly
Elvis collectible. Their neighbor is lawyer, Reid Stromsburg. He says,
Romance
5 Points for every time: You've ever climbed a water tower with a
bucket of paint.
5 Points for every time: You wake up with both a black eye and a
hickey.
5 Points per girlfriend: You have spray painted your girlfriend's name
on an overpass. (Double points if your girlfriend was a cousin.) 10
Points: You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises
and seductive tongue gestures.
15 Points per wife: You dated your daddy's current wife in high
school. (Double Points: Family & Romance = 30 total per wife)
15 Points per year: You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and
wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. (Double Points:
Family & Romance = 30 total per year) 20 points: Ya can't get married
to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it. (Double Points:
seem to raise a ruckus. The water tower in Point Pleasant, Iowa is a
catalog of his girlfriends. (3 were cousins. 2 dated his daddy, but
Wardrobe and Hygiene
1 Point: You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the
left arm below the shirtsleeve.
1 Point: You own at least 10 baseball hats.
2 Points: You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of
a baseball hat.
2 Points: You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal
occasions
5 Points: When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull
up your jeans.
5 Points: Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt
buckle.
5 Points: Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth
and you take them out to see what it is.
5 Points: You consider a three-piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a
plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear
5 Points: Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so you
can get grandma a new plug of tobacco. (Double Points: Family &
Wardrobe = 10 total) 10 Points: You offer to give someone the shirt
off your back and they don't want it.
10 Points per Time: You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
10 Points per Time: You've ever worn a tube top or a beer T-shirt to a
wedding.
10 Points per Time: You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
10 Points per Time: You have been fired from a construction job
because of your appearance.
15 Points: You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a month.
15 Points: Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
15 Points: You can tell your age by the number of rings in the
bathtub.
philosophy that brought him to the top of the Redneck Wardrobe
Eager. The Eager bath tub was 25 rungs and Exxon currently has the oil
A Test on the Miscellaneous Qualities Unique to the American Redneck
1 Point for Every Time: You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
1 Point for Every Time: You've ever made change in the offering plate.
5 Points: You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
5 Points: You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
5 Points: The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
5 Points: You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to
"Georgia on My Mind".
10 Points: Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
10 Points: You are still holding on to confederate money because you
think the South will rise again.
Some qualities unique to the redneck defy categorization. Emma Lou
McCormick excels in this area with 136 points. Every Sunday, Emma Lou
makes change in the collection plate and greets her minister at the
old Miss Harris is a proud employee of the Podunk, Georgia Wal-Mart.
So Who Is the ULTIMATE REDNECK?
The most points ever scored on this test so far was 911 racked up by
Billy Bob Dimwitty, whose 3rd grade teacher read him the Ultimate
Redneck Test when he was 19. He plans to quit school next year and
attend the trucking Institute of Georgia. "That tornado comin' through
qualifications:
* There are 17 cars in various stages of disrepair in his front
yard.
* He has 3 taxidermists on his speed dial.
* He has been thrown out of the Sea World for arriving drunk with
a fishing pole.
* His dogs leave the room when Billy Bob eats.
* He is president of the Committee to Change the National Anthem
Interstate 75 Overpass.
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