You're Old When
be. Did the fine print shrink? (This is called bifocals denial.) Do
your knees buckle, but your belt won't? Have your beauty marks
sprouted hair? Does the gleam in your eyes comes from the sun hitting
your bifocals? Do your joints sound like Rice Crispies ... snap,
crackle, pop? Does your little black book contains only names ending
in M.D.? Have you been driving along thinking about stuff, and
fortune-teller offered to read your face? Does your pacemaker make the
garage door go up when you watch a cute guy/gal go by? Is the little
gray haired person who helps you across the street, your spouse? Do
you have too much room in the house and not enough room in the
medicine cabinet? Have you sunk your teeth into a steak and had them
stay there? Have you quit pulling out your gray hairs, because you
could end up bald? Does your back/knee go out more than you do?
Does a dripping faucet cause an uncontrollable bladder urge? Have you
to see? Have you searched all over the house for something and finally
found it ... right where it was suppose to be? Does the idea of laying
on the floor to watch TV strike you as uncomfortable? Remember when
you did it all the time? Have you dialed a number and then gotten
distracted? When the person you called came to the phone, you had no
idea who you called or why. Do you groan a little when you bend over
or get up? What doesn't hurt, doesn't work, right?
listen to Ed Sullivan, the Brat Pack, Max Headroom, Bobby Sherman, the
Mamas & the Papas, K.C. and the Sunshine Band or Captain Kangaroo? Did
you once own a lot of 45s ... records, not guns? Have your children
studied events in history that you lived through .... the Kennedy and
King assassinations, Viet Nam, the Bi-Centennial and the first landing
on the moon? Did you learn to read with Dick, Jane, Sally, Spot and
Puff? At one time, did you think pong, 8-track tapes or cars with fins
were cutting edge technology? Dollar a gallon gas does not strike you
as THAT cheap. You can remember when if was under 50 cents a gallon
and full service, too.
Did you attended school when dress codes forbid girls to wear pants to
class? ( They were considered too casual.) Do you remember girdles?
(UGH!) Have things you owned shown up on Antiques Road Show? Is "25
Years Ago Today" your favorite part of the newspaper? Can you remember
B.C.... Before Computers? Do you remember when they programmed
computers with cards? (Shuffling them would drive the programmer
really nuts.) Have the fashions of your youth come back in style? Do
you look bad in them the second time around? Do you remember when the
block got color TV? As a kid, did your parents buy you tennis shoes
sit-com couples slept in double beds and no one on TV talked about
sex? When you were young, did you think the world would be like the
Jetsons in the year 2000?
You Wants a Nap. Do you have to do math to remember your age? (OK,
the night after, and you haven't been anywhere? Do the current
heartthrobs look like young pups to you? Do you get winded playing
cards? Have your children begun to look middle aged? Do you no longer
think of speed limits as a challenge? OK, maybe a little ... Do your
depressing things? Do you regret resisting temptation? After painting
the town red, do you have to rest a while before applying a second
coat? Does dialing long distance wear you out? Have you found that you
can't stand people who are intolerant? Is the best part of your day
over when your alarm clock goes off?
Do you burn the midnight oil until 9 pm? Do you shop for comfortable
shoes rather than cool ones? Have you told your children all rap music
sounds the same? (Remember when you parents said that about your
music?) Do you know what your company retirement plan is? Does it take
twice as long to look half as good? Do you still chase members of the
opposite sex, but you can't remember why? Does your mind makes
contracts that your body can't keep? Do you look forward to a dull
bifocals? Do you turn out the light for economic reasons rather than
romantic ones? Have you sung along with the elevator music? (When the
music of the 60's and 70's is played by 101 Strings in the elevator,
clothes here) and seen a fine looking member of the opposite sex? Then
bothered by this, but it creeps me out.) Have you heard yourself say
things that your parents always said ... and you hated? And finally...
there is always having the worst of both worlds with zits and gray
hair at the same time.
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