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From: Lil Stinker NP-g07 <anywhere@uwant2.com>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: The 2000-2001 Darwin Awards Are Here!!
Date: Mon, 08 Aug 2005 19:21:09 -0500
Organization: stinkersRus
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Hot off the press! The 2000-2001 Darwin Awards Are Here!!
The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals
who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating
themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.
1. A young Canadian man from Newfoundland, searching for a way of
getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy
alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction
made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This
resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him
and his sister.
2. A 34-year-old male found dead in the basement of his home died of
suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black
and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was
trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing
military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber
hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to
one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter.
The tube's other end was inserted into his rear end for reasons
unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task
of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very
awkward.
3. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon
the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own
aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with
their pants around their ankles.
4. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no
details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his
father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man
facedown on the couch,naked. When she rolled him over to check for a
pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals.
After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared
dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection
of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the
cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what caused
his death. Apparently the man had a habit of putting his penis between
the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders
(with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the
story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders,
electrocuting him.
5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway
near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her
passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this
would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the
fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi
key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove
along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the
Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.
6. A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use
octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax
County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of
these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the
other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators
think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length
of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance
between the trestle and the ground", Carmichael said. Police say the
apparent cause of death was "Major trauma".
7. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and
a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a
ball. The friend - no doubt, a future Darwin Awards candidate - was
hospitalized.
8. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the
smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they
had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of
the lights worked (you can see what's coming, can't you?). Witnesses
later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his
pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter.
Upon operation of the lighter-like object,the gas in the warehouse
exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was
found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by
the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never
been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
Lil Stinker
"just havin' fun!"
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