Some of you, I'm sure, are aware that I suffer from chronic health
problems -- I haven't gone into depth with them because the condition
that created them all is somewhat rare; if I were really concerned
about security, I would even suggest it would really narrow down
identifying information about me! And, of course, the symptoms aren't
pleasant, and while I have no difficulty discussing them with friends,
a lot of people would find some of the things I talk about to be ....
let's just be polite and say, "unusual." Others might say
"embarrassing" or even "rude!"
That, of course, has contributed to my long history of depression,
although that has a longer-standing cause. None of these things are
all that important except to point out that I've suffered from
depression since I was about 8 years old. I didn't know it so much
then, but looking back I see the signs. When you're that young,
depression often gets expressed as frustration -- and thus anger.
Recently, I've had trouble remembering to take my multitudes of
medication. So, maybe I'd get two doses of medicines out of 3 right
about 4 or 5 times a week. I almost always got the morning dose right
because that's when I take my first dose of pain medicine -- and
that's pretty hard to forget to take when you hurt! And going on and
off medication has created problems that I won't discuss here -- so I
finally decided to stop taking a lot of it -- especially the
anti-depressants. Surprisingly enough, my mood has shown so much
improvement that I actually had an episode last week that took me a
good while to figure out what it was!
Seriously, I got some great news about a friend's health and a
procedure he had undergone. A while later, I was trying to get to
sleep, when suddenly I noticed this feeling in my chest. I swear, the
image I had in my mind was like in those cartoons where a character
gets run over by a steam-roller and then another character has to get
a bicycle pump and pump them up, over-inflating them in the process
until they go flying off wily-nily. It wasn't heartburn -- I know that
feeling only too well! And then it hit me -- it was joy! Pure,
unbridled joy and happiness! I'm glad I figured out what it was, it
was actually kind of scary! I mean, the last time I remember feeling
anything like that, I was 16 and my guidance counselor was telling me
that my test scores pretty much ensured that I could get into any
college I wanted to go to -- and that I might be able to get an
academic scholarship on top of that. I went back to class from that
meeting shaking. Of course, it actually took some of the joy out of
getting my letter of acceptance from University of Virginia, but there
you go.
FTR, I think I understand the thing with the medicine -- when my
depression would get worse, we'd just add more medicine. At least some
of the times, we should have tried changing the medicine altogether,
but that's not how we do things in the US -- we just throw more at the
problem. Let's add another pill! More pills, more money -- even when
we know the solution isn't working, we figure if we spend more on the
solution, somehow it will suddenly start working!
So, after nearly 40 years of mostly depression, after 40 years of not
finding a lot of joy or happiness in my life, I have this sudden
influx of good feelings. Maybe I'm just doomed. You know, the kind of
guy who roots through a box of gold and can only complain about the
tarnish! But now I find I'm scared as hell -- scared that the
depression will come back and take that all away again. I'll freely
admit that I couldn't live with the kind of joy I felt the other night
-- that was great, but it's not something I could take for more than
hour or two! But it was great that I still felt the happiness after
the flat-out joy.
Sometimes, I really don't know.
But I have added this to the list of things that people never tell you
... but probably should.
Love,
Steve
-- l00sescrew@hushmail.com
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