I am sorry that I was not clearer in what I said. I never said I was
leaving the group -- just that I was going into "lurk" mode, that I
would not be posting much anymore -- not that I ever posted that much
to begin with.
As for my "being sick in the head," it's not partaking of these
groups that makes me sick in the head! Oh, hell, no! In fact, for
someone of my inclinations, partaking of these groups is one of the
things that helps me keep control of my desires and is, therefore, a
very good thing!
What makes me sick in the head is that I'm sick in the head. In
addition to my chronic depression and anxiety disorders, I also have
Borderline Personality Disorder. Borderlines are extremely afraid of
being rejected, and we will do pretty much everything to prevent
rejection and abandonment. I thought I was writing this because I have
a certain esteem for you ... and I do, but it just hit me that maybe
it's more because of your rejection of me that is prompting this
response! And that's the problem -- I can't trust anything I do
anymore.
Borderlines can be extremely difficult to deal with. We can be clingy,
demanding, manipulative ... we tend to wear out friendships. And we
also have this thing about relationships -- they're either the best
thing that's ever happened to us or the worst thing. So when we start
a relationship with someone, we usually put too much meaning into it
-- kind of like a mega-honeymoon period. The person can do no wrong --
and, well, no relationship can possibly live up to that kind of
pressure. People hurt each others' feelings all the time -- usually
without meaning to, but sometimes just out of selfish reasons. So they
soon go bad ... really, really bad until we come to think of the
person as being unable to do ANY GOOD!
Now, I have known about these tendencies in me since I was 18 although
I didn't know what it was about back then. So I have spent a lot of
time trying to be careful about how I act and what I do. Sometimes
when I ought to contact a friend for support, I don't because I'm
afraid that I'm leaning on them too much and that I'll wear them out
and drive them away. Other times I drive people away from me so that
they don't have the chance to abandon me -- and then when they abandon
me because I drove them off, I've only proven that people are going to
abandon me and I need to keep driving them off!
This latest meltdown was because I noticed that I was attempting to
manipulate someone that is so dear to me that I would have sworn I
would never do something like that to him. I say I noticed because it
was not deliberate on my part -- it just snuck through my defenses.
The only reason I noticed it is that something made me feel bad about
writing to him, and it nagged at me until I realized why it was
bothering me. And I also knew that my friend was very cautious, that
he didn't trust people very easily, and I was scared that I had just
screwed up a relationship that was so very important to me. I guess
that it was better that I noticed what I was doing and reported
myself, but I was so scared, and I started looking at myself and my
emotions under a microscope.
You see, I believe that people in general and pedophiles in particular
must be honest with themselves. It's far to easy to think that a boy
wants to have sex with you because you want to have sex with him, but
it's more likely that he's just digging your time and attention and
affection and obvious love for him. If you aren't constantly checking
yourself, you can end up doing something that would be very harmful to
the person you should never hurt. One of my favorite Robert Heinlein
sayings has to do with this, although he was writing about altruism
which he suggests is never truly altruistic -- if you think it's
altruistic, you're suffering from "self-deception -- the root of all
evil." He suggests that the next time you feel like doing something
altruistic that you carefully examine your feeling to find out the
true reason you want to do it -- which is usually to make yourself
feel good. He says if you still want to do it, then "wallow in it!"
For example, I know that one of the reasons I like to help people is
about myself -- it distracts me from my own problems, helps me examine
my own problems, and gives me hope that I might find my own help.
And I was deceiving myself. I was putting my own self-interest ahead
of what was best for my friend. And this made me look into whether I
could truly love someone if I was so selfish -- and I still don't have
an answer for that one. I'm struggling with this idea every day now.
My friend forgave me, but I'm still scared. He's a beautiful person,
and he and I felt a certain kinship right from the start. I feel like
I can tell him anything about how I'm feeling and he will understand
-- and he usually does. And I think he feels the same way about me.
He's the only person I've ever believed the first time he told me that
he loved me -- and I have never been afraid that he would abandon me
unless I drove him off.
So trust me when I tell you, I'm sick in the head -- but certainly not
for the reason you suggested! As far as loving little boys goes,
that's just the way I am, and I wouldn't change that if it were
possible -- though I do wish I didn't have some of the sexual desires
that I have, or that they were a little easier to deal with! Way back
in college nearly 30 years ago, I told the social worker I was seeing
why I wouldn't want to change that -- because it inspires me to try to
be my best, to be worthy of the love and trust that little boys give
me. It filled my life with poetry and music, tho I just noticed that
the point that I stopped writing poetry and music and stories was
about the time that I went on antidepressants in the 90's.
It's funny that I only now made that connection since I had been told
about how that sometimes happens. One of our shrinks where I worked
told me that a particular singer/songwriter had been very successful,
but that his latest CD had been somewhat flat and uninspired -- he
told me that people in the know were referring to it as "the Prozac
album!"
Oh, well.
Anyway, I do hope that this better helps you understand what I meant,
and I'm very sorry for any confusion or hurt that you may have felt.
Love,
Steve <-- still trying to figure out what love really is!
On 2 Aug 2012 22:49:01 -0500, "Group_Troll" <GroupTroll@Pissed.Off.nl>
wrote:
>FROM: 4s00th <4s00th@hushmail.com>
>
>> I've never participated in this group as I should have. And now I
>> never will.
>>
>> Having done some thinking -- always dangerous -- I'm finding that I
>> didn't know myself as well as I thought I did. I find myself the
>> victim of self-deception, and as I have stated here and elsewhere many
>> times, a pedophile cannot afford self-deception.
>>
>> Sincerely,
>> Steve
>>
>
>well....you suck fores00th!
>I remember when Reb made the same decision that he too, was sick in the
>head for partaking of these boy groups.
>I shall not waste my time speaking words of god to you but I could go on
>for ever.
>I wish you "Godspeed and Good Luck"!
>
>However, when you do get your head back on your shoulders, NEVER come
>back to these groups.
-- 4s00th@hushmail.com
My email is always available for those looking for and willing to supply support in the effort to remain boy-lovers and not become child-molesters de jure if not de facto.
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