FROM: 4s00th <4s00th@hushmail.com>
> My body hurts, I'm finding it hard to care about anything ... except
> that I don't like pain. Pleasures just don't seem to be pleasurable
> anymore, and hey, I had the first real suicidal vision/impulse in
> quite a while. For those of you who don't understand that depression
> hurts like a mutha -- take notice.
All trolling aside for this post.....
I did not know you had depression for real.
Not being in your shoes, I cannot truely see from your viewpoint and I do
not know your history - So there is nothing I can say that will help you.
Humans and myself included can say something we think will help and it
only causes you more pain. We meant well for you when we said it cause it
sounded like the right thing to say to help you or that we are truely
concerned for you. Yet when you read our careing words, they come out
wrong at your end.
What can I say - what words? - so that you know I am concerned about your
depression? Because I am a troll, you will not believe anything I say.
That is my problem, not yours.
Because of my love for children, I am a loner. I have no friends. I can
never let people know what I love. I have unknown friends on usenet.
There are groups where I am accepted as I am but no one really knows me.
My very best friends have died or been busted in years past. So far I am
free but I never know if my past will knock on the door late one night
and haul me away.
Twenty years ago I went thru depression and was going to kill myself.
I thought about it. I planned it. I changed plans many times. I was
terrified to do it. Then I made up my mind. I calmed down. I finalized my
plan. It was perfect. Accidental Drowning. A painfull but fast way to go.
No suicide. My Life Insurance would pay. I am not telling all the
details. It would have worked. But two very dear unknown usenet friends
talked me out of it. They gave me a chance at life! I accepted!
I will tell no more.
I have family members who have taken their lives.
One fought depression for many years and went by hanging. Bad way!
Another on purchased a generator and went by carbon monoxide and beer and
pot. He went mellow and relaxed. But it cost him $500 for the generator
he chose to use, plus gasoline, plus the storage rental building he used.
>
...snip...
>
> And I guess I must be getting down to my last bit to be touting my
> pain here -- you never ask for help until you're near the bottom -- at
> least, that's been my experience.
>
> Do any of you have any idea how much I hate wanting to die? Not
> killing myself -- I got scared straight on that one when I found out
> what I might have done to someone who actually gave a damn, but just
> wanting to fucking lie down and die.
So 4s00th (Four-Sooth/Foresooth/Forsooth)...
Is this your post to tell us you have decided to do it?
Or is this your cry for help? You have no one to reach out to but your
friends on usenet. Is this our chance to prevent you from dieing?
>
> I do wonder if the troll realizes that I have finally downloaded Kidz
> Bop 19 and just not cared enough to post it?
NO 4s00th, I did NOT know. But know I do. Yet any words I say will be the
wrong words - So I dare say nothing.
> Or if he realizes how
> much I think those things are like cockroaches that just keep
> spreading? I mean, really, let the damn kids sing the songs! Well,
> find some kids who can sing -- we know that they're out there! Can you
> imagine what Libera could do with a franchise like this? Let Josh and
> Mini-Ben have a chance at Bad Day -- Maybe 'Kob could take a verse, or
> even my little dynamo Kavanna! I tell you guys, if little Kavanna had
> been the big bad wolf, that house of bricks would have fallen! I
> swear, I've never seen anyone put so much of themselves into singing!
> Such incredible JOY!
>
> Anyway. I think I've worn myself out. I hope you guys are all doing a
> lot better than I. And I pity any of you who feel worse.
>
> Love,
> -- 4s00th@hushmail.com
>
"PITY"? No you don't! There are others who feel worse but that is not
our or your concern at this time.
Your concern is for yourself!
Our concern is for 4s00th! And if it makes you feel one second better to
tell me to go fuck myself because I don't know you and I don't understand
your problem cause I don't know you - Then say it: "TROLL, GO FUCK
YOURSELF!"
Well, I did it. I, Group_Troll have fucked up. As usual.
I took 4s00th's pain and turned his post into my telling about my
problems, my opinions, my feelings. I put words in his mouth.
I spoke for him when I had no right.
Those of you that are his Fort friends, those of you who truely know him
and have emailed him, you need to step forward and help before he goes
missing one day Never to be heard from again, your emails returned.
-----
Group_Troll
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