My body hurts, I'm finding it hard to care about anything ... except
that I don't like pain. Pleasures just don't seem to be pleasurable
anymore, and hey, I had the first real suicidal vision/impulse in
quite a while. For those of you who don't understand that depression
hurts like a mutha -- take notice.
Bob Ryan just called the dude who called in that he saw Tim F. move
his golf ball MINUTELY when he removed a marker a supercilious twit. I
wouldn't have been so nice. And I don't even give a shit about pro
golf.
At least if I were a manic depressive I could look forward to periods
of mania with tons of energy and feelings of bliss. Admittedly, the
depressive episodes tend to dominate 10 to 1, but at least there would
be that.
And I guess I must be getting down to my last bit to be touting my
pain here -- you never ask for help until you're near the bottom -- at
least, that's been my experience.
Do any of you have any idea how much I hate wanting to die? Not
killing myself -- I got scared straight on that one when I found out
what I might have done to someone who actually gave a damn, but just
wanting to fucking lie down and die.
I do wonder if the troll realizes that I have finally downloaded Kidz
Bop 19 and just not cared enough to post it? Or if he realizes how
much I think those things are like cockroaches that just keep
spreading? I mean, really, let the damn kids sing the songs! Well,
find some kids who can sing -- we know that they're out there! Can you
imagine what Libera could do with a franchise like this? Let Josh and
Mini-Ben have a chance at Bad Day -- Maybe 'Kob could take a verse, or
even my little dynamo Kavanna! I tell you guys, if little Kavanna had
been the big bad wolf, that house of bricks would have fallen! I
swear, I've never seen anyone put so much of themselves into singing!
Such incredible JOY!
Hmm, I realize that I was thinking the same thing about little Nakita,
how easily he smiles and how much personality he radiates -- and then
I was thinking about how 'Kob has such an angelic beatific smile that
you can practically see the halo! Kind of makes me wonder about
certain unnamed older brothers! <miss u, doc!>
Thank God I have my little Whodat to keep me going. He's been such a
sweet dog -- not quite as little as I had intended, I think his beagle
stock is fortified with some other hound genes! Personally, I think
he's got a little coon hound in him, but what do I know? I ask him,
"Are you my boy?" and he licks my face. He knows well who feeds him!
Anyway. I think I've worn myself out. I hope you guys are all doing a
lot better than I. And I pity any of you who feel worse.
Love,
-- 4s00th@hushmail.com
My email is always available for those looking for and willing to supply support in the effort to remain boy-lovers and not become child-molesters de jure if not de facto.
|
|