I am gratified by those who have responded to my most recent posts. I,
too, would love to be back posting the Fort Jukebox -- but I fear that
I cannot continue that post at this time. My best friend irl was
diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer with liver involvement a few
weeks ago.
There have now been 4 times in my life that I have seen my Crohn's
Disease as a blessing: the first was when the woman who had been my
baby-sitter and a second mom to me needed me and I was not in college
at the time because of an earlier illness -- she had not told us that
the cancer had come back even tho I had driven her to the appointment
down in Winston Salem, NC myself; then again when, first my mother,
and then my father were deathly ill and in the final months of their
lives. My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer that had spread into
her lymphatic system and even started tumors in her brain. On her
deathbed, I promised to do my best to take care of my dad who had been
having small strokes over the past 5 or so years, and I did until he
died some years later of complications to diabetes (uncontrolled
hypertension + barely controlled diabetes = renal failure -- those of
you with diabetes be AWARE!). And now, of course, my best friend is
dying -- and I plan on taking advantage of my disability to be there
to do as much for her as I can. I've already taken on some of her
day-to-day problems so that she can use all of the time she has left
to her the way she wants to. The good news is that she's talking about
going to Italy and maybe San Fran. The bad news is that we can only
hope that she has the time and energy to take those trips.
Now, while I am well entrenched in Virginia, my friend Leslie is back
in her hometown in West Virginia. And I will be there in WV most of
the time for the time-being. Now, I do have access to computers there,
but I shall have to be careful how I use them! I mean, Leslie knows
all about me -- she is my best friend, after all! Still, her mother
does not, nor does her new boyfriend or pretty much anyone I'm likely
to see in WV. They all know I'm gay, but that's about it. I guess I'll
have to do a lot of catching up the times I can get home! And, I will
be coming home occasionally. I am not so stupid as to think that I
won't need periodic breaks from the whole situation. I'm encouraging
her mother to spend breaks with one of her many sisters to allow her
to get breaks especially since she and Leslie are a bit like oil and
water -- they can mix for a while, but they're going to come apart!
I do have a little good news tho badly timed. I had just adopted a dog
right before I found out that Leslie was sick. Whodat is a beagle who
will soon be a whole year old. He's very sweet-natured and loving, but
man are those teeth sharp! As my brother is still working -- tho
applying for disability -- I have to take Whodat with me. He's a
little mad at me that I cannot give him as much attention as he wants,
but he seems to be doing okay. Well, on the way home, he got sick
coming over the mountain, but other than that ...
Still, it's a lot of work to do the puppy thing and nurse a sick
friend!
And for those of you who have so recently questioned Doc about his
true intentions -- be aware that his second response to my telling him
this was to tell me that he would be there to support me when I needed
it. Now, I am not some puppy-dog-eyed adolescent or pre-adolescent; I
may well be older than Doc! So, before you question Doc, maybe you
ought to reconsider how you approached him -- whether or not he
actually got your messages, whether he could understand from your
words that you wanted and needed help. Yes, he's going to show a
preference for boys -- who of us do not? But, like me, he believes
strongly that we need to stick together so that we can support each
other to make sure that, in our efforts to help our boys, we don't set
aside the boy's needs and feelings for our own selfish desires -- and
it's too easy to let yourself trick yourself into believing what you
want to believe! He and I consider this important work to help boys,
but we also consider it important work to help our friends. Most of
you, I would be pleased to call you my friend; others I can accept
that we disagree, but have much in common; and a few I have trouble
finding sympathy for because of horrid behavior. Nonetheless, if any
of you asked me for help -- I wouldn't refuse you. And I can tell you
honestly that I don't believe that Doc would, either. At least, not on
purpose. Keep in mind that we might not see every little message in
every group. Or we might not understand that it's meant for us. Or we
might not understand you're asking for help. Or we may just be having
a brain fart or are preoccupied by a dying friend or whatnot. And,
ftr, you don't have to like me and I don't have to like you, but if
you ask for help, I will not turn you down -- except that right now I
am tied up with my friend.
Sincerely and thank you for reading,
Steve
-- 4s00th@hushmail.com
My email is always available for those looking for and willing to supply support in the effort to remain boy-lovers and not become child-molesters de jure if not de facto.
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