Confession
1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us
our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so
that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and
effective.
Gulp...I need your prayers.
Lust, if unrestrained, can lead to sexual immorality. I testify in
regards to scripture, my experiences, this confession, and this
testimony, that it is the truth.
Romans 10:10
For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it
is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.
I urge similar results from others to come forward in the days ahead
to do the same and follow in the same precepts.
Taken from the 12 steps of AA...
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and another human being the exact
nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have Him remove all these defects of
character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
I have confessed to my biological dad, my biological mother, and my
sponsor through AA, the sexual immorality or a part of my inventory.
Now I confess to the world.
I entered a mental retarded home at the age of 2-5. I remember very
little of the home but have some memories of existing during that
time. I entered another foster home at the age of 5 and lived for the
duration into my adult life.
It was at the age of 5 that I was caught dancing in front of my
brother and neighborhood girl naked. I remember being dragged down to
the barn of which was 500 feet from the house naked and put into a dog
pen. I was told to dance in front of the dogs.
I remember getting caught with stains in my underwear. I was told to
strip down, marched to the barn naked, and ordered to scrub my
underwear until they became clean.
There was one particular episode where I found myself naked but not
remembering how. I was ordered to sit on the front steps of the house
and my foster mother would engage in rebuking me as a form of
punishment. She said, "The neighbors are looking at you naked and
laughing at you. And she would laugh at me for being naked and forced
outside on the steps.
At the age of 7, my brother exposed himself to me with an erection. I
responded in the same manner. Nothing else was experienced from that
episode.
At the age of 9, my brother initiated sexual contact with another
foster girl. He, I, and the girl were naked. My brother went first by
penetrating her vagina. I then responded in the same manner by
penetrating her. I remember the episode in that I felt there was
nothing to having sex with the girl and I experienced no pleasurable
gain from the action. My brother than proceeded to attempt to
penetrate her in the anus. I however detested that and did not respond
to it.
At the age of 11, I was laying in bed with an erection. I was
caressing my penis. I then proceeded to turn over and rub it against
the mattress. I continued until I had my first orgasm. I remember the
intense feeling that engulfed my body and the pleasure I experienced
from that. I have continued to masturbate throughout my life.
I remember the experience I had with the girl I mentioned from above.
She was no longer in the foster home and had gone back to her family.
I was raised with the ideal that I was ugly, unattractive, deranged,
and mentally retarded. When I had started to masturbate, I remember
getting the idea of whether it was right or wrong to practice such
perversion. I would scan through encyclopedias, male sex books, etc.
to find references of acceptance. I thought my behavior was deranged
and perverse. Then I bought the Sherry Hite book on "Male Sexuality."
I read it and thought it was appropriate to accept as a common
practice. I was following in the ways of the world.
After that, I went in pursuit of sexual immorality. I proceeded to
navigate towards animals at the age of 14-15. I would go with the
dogs, during breeding, and masturbate the male dog, and aid the male
dog to penetrate the bitch. I would take a mare and stallion in the
back stall and watch as the stallion mounted the mare. I would gain
such pleasurable experience from the exhibition and would masturbate
next to the animals. Then I navigated toward bestiality. I took a dog
or cat and would practice mounting the dog/cat and rub my penis
against the coat/hair of the dog/cat and would orgasm.
I became sicker than that. I actually tried to penetrate a dog at one
point and the dog yelped. But I quit and let the dog lick my penis and
then I would masturbate. There was one particular incident where I
took a pail and stood on it and proceeded to penetrate a mare. I
performed sex on the mare and orgasm inside the animal.
The bestiality stopped abruptly. There was a boy that entered the
foster home when I was 15. His name was Mike. One time when the rest
of the family had gone to a fair for the entire day, I came home from
school expecting Mike and another foster boy, Jeff, to get home from
school at any moment. I devised a plan to play strip poker with the
two boys. I did achieve my objective with the boys. I remember Jeff
would not get an erection but Mike did. I also had an erection. We
then began to wrestle with each other and chase each other around the
house naked. Mike and I ended up in the same room alone naked. He was
11 at the time and I remember that I had my first orgasm at 11, so I
proceeded to introduce to him the technique of masturbation. I asked
him if he got pleasure from it and he agreed. We then proceeded to
masturbate each other until we both climaxed. We engaged in such
activity for the duration of Mike's stay in the foster home. The
mutual masturbation sessions went on for almost 2 years until Mike
left the foster home and went to live with his mom. We would
masturbate each other almost every day. I remember getting an intense
feeling of love for Mike and then identified that I might be
homosexual. The experience was a revelation and the love and
compassion I had for Mike intensified. This was the first experience I
had in which there was someone in my life that would accept me as I
was. The rest of the foster family did not accept me as I perceived
and Mike was my partner for life if only life permitted. I equated
love with sex and attached the two together. I understood from the
experience that in order to love, you had sexual experiences with the
person to gain acceptance. By the way, from the experience of the
first mutual masturbation session with Mike, I named my penis Harry
because I had the hair. Mike's penis was Dick. Jeff's penis was Tom.
To initiate a mutual masturbation session, Mike and I would swig our
saliva in our mouth or we would mention about every Tom, Dick, and
Harry.
After Mike left the foster home, I proceeded to pry on other boys. I
initiated contact with Jeff but I detested the way Jeff responded. I
would try to play with his penis but he would not get an erection. He
would only laugh uncontrollably and said it tickled intensely. I left
Jeff alone after a couple of attempts. I also went after another boy
that was 5. I was 17 at the time. I would caress his penis and Marky
would respond with a smile saying, "Don't." With the smile, I knew he
enjoyed it because he did not pull away or resist me. I then proceeded
to get Marky with another girl of the same age to engage in sex. I
first went after Marky and pulled all his clothes off of him down to
his underwear. But he resisted. The other girl would not respond to
the invitation. I then left them alone and nothing happened between
them. I remember going after a boy by the name of Oscar. Oscar did
resist and fight back. I then proceeded to expose my erection to him.
He threatened to tell mom. I got scared and pleaded with him to not
retaliate. Then I left him alone. My next sexual experience was with
another teenager. This was a female by the name of Lisa. We were in my
car, and we had pulled over and engaged in kissing and caressing each
other. Lisa was not attractive to me but if only I could satisfy my
own sexual needs and desires would she remain a friend. I tried to get
her to engage in sex with me. She resisted at first, but then gave in.
I remember the experience of penetrating her and getting the intense
rush of babies and such. This was the only sexual experience I had
with her. I then detested her because I felt guilty of the situation
and turned against her.
I left the foster home at 18 and went to live with my biological mom.
I continued to masturbate on a regular basis. I proceeded to locate
Mike that had left the foster home. I knew his address and we did meet
up. I was at his mom's apartment and he convinced his mom to run her
errands. Then he and I went into his bedroom. We talked about things
but I for some reason held back. I knew it was wrong to engage in
another mutual masturbation session with him. Therefore, I did not
exhibit appreciation for his sexual advances. I left him and thought I
should find a woman to engage in sex and raise a family. My sexual
encounters, I thought were over for males. Was I wrong?
At 19, I was forced out of my mom's place and lived on the street in
my car. I proceeded to go to shopping center to the bathroom and see
how sexual advances were done. I discovered that when you advance
another male in the stall next to you, you would tap your foot a few
times. If he responded, then he accepted the advance. The first time I
tried it, the guy responded by tapping his foot. But neither one of us
would leave the stall and head over to the other stall. I remember
having mixed emotions of fear and guilt. I then, on another day, went
to another bathroom and initiated a sexual advance. The man responded
by coming to my stall. He exposed himself and wanted a blowjob. I told
him that being I was living on the street, I had no job so I wanted
him to pay me some money. I never set a price for the service, but he
agreed to give me some money. I entered into prostitution. I proceeded
to give the guy a blowjob and he climaxed in my mouth. He was leaving
without doing a return service and forgot about giving me money. I
expressed a reminder to him and I received about 75 cents for the
incident.
At age 22, I met a woman by the name of Julie. Julie and I hit it off
right from the first date. We had sex about 3-4 times during the week.
There were a few nights where we engaged in sex repeatedly until one
of us got sore. But I was still sexually deranged and perverse. I
remember being alone with Julie's daughter. Her daughter was about 4
years old. I came out of the shower and went into my room. I dried off
and lay on the bed naked. I didn't have an erection, but called the
daughter to come to the door. She responded and stood there starring
at my naked body. I never initiated any sexual contact with Julie's
daughter but only had this one episode of exposing myself. Julie's and
my relationship became strained after 9 months. We began to fight and
finally broke up.
At age 27, I was invited by Lisa to attend a wedding and reception of
her sister. Lisa attempted to get me to be with her. This is the same
Lisa I had engaged in sex at 18. But I was still not attracted to
Lisa. Instead, I went with her cousin Carmen and initiated
conversation. Things developed that night and I found myself driving
to her place and engaging in sexual activity with her. Carmen also had
a boy that was 3 at the time. Carmen and I stayed together for about 6
months and we had regular sex. We got into a fight one time and Carmen
and I broke up. Then four months later, I received a call from Lisa
that Carmen was pregnant and I should call her. I did and Carmen and I
got back together.
We mended our resentment towards each other and continued the
relationship. We had sex together for the duration of our
relationship. But my perversion was still with me. Carmen's son Daniel
would sleep in the same bed with Carmen and I. Carmen and I would have
sex, then I would proceed to get separated from Carmen and would pry
on her boy. I remember waiting until Carmen would fall asleep, then I
would begin to molest Daniel. I would caress his penis and give him an
erection. He would wake up and kick me sometimes and I would just
ignore his resistance and continue my practice and prying on Daniel.
As time went on, I became more distant from Carmen and more attracted
to Daniel. I would initiate exposing myself to Daniel and would
masturbate in front of him in the basement. I remember one time when I
told him to come close and watch white stuff shoot out of my penis. He
giggled and went upstairs. When I had resumed contact with Carmen and
Daniel, Daniel proceeded to say to his mom, "I saw white stuff come
out of Mike's potty thing." I immediately told Daniel that that was
boy talk and never say it again. Carmen did not respond and ignored it
and pretended not to hear what Daniel had said. When my daughter was
born, there were diapers in the house. Daniel would bring a diaper
downstairs and proceed to put it on himself. I witnessed the attempt
and proceeded to engage in more perversion with him. At that
opportunity, I would see his erection and would begin to suck on his
penis. He would resist a little and pull back. Then we would put the
diaper on Daniel and he would strut around the basement.
When my daughter was 1 year and 2 months, Carmen and I got into a big
fight over medical issues on my daughter. I remember her getting her
mom involved, my daughter's grandmother, and she punched me in the
stomach and kicked me out of the house. I proceed to grab a few things
including a vacuum hose because I was going to commit suicide. I knew
at that point that I was going to lose Carmen and my daughter and we
would separate. Well, I attempted to commit suicide that night by
hooking the vacuum hose up to my exhaust and inhaling the fumes from
my car. I ended up in the hospital in the psych ward the next morning.
That same day, a nurse came in and told me the news. Daniel had been
in the garden with his grandmother and his grandmother asked Daniel if
he was glad I was gone. Daniel replied that he was, "Now he (Mike)
won't play with my potty thing anymore." I immediately got scared and
denied all allegations of child molestation. I had been caught. I got
out of the hospital and went before the sheriff and was questioned by
him. I denied it to the sheriff and he let me go. I then received an
order by the sheriff mandated that I participate in a psychosexual
analysis. I agreed. I thought I would pass with flying colors because
I was not going to admit my guilt or any of my perversion. I met with
the head of the psychosexual analyst a couple of times. He had me sign
some papers and said he would be in contact with me but never did
contact me.
I ended up back on the street living in my car. I began to feel
paranoid that people were following me. I began to have paranoid
thoughts and engage in conversation with myself. I decided to move to
Florida and start my life over again. I had met a couple of lesbians
of which were from Florida and I contacted them and said that I was
coming down. I was there in Florida for about 3 months. I was with the
lesbians and told of the allegations of child molestation but denied
that I had taken part in any such perversion. I got an apartment in
Florida and immediately found a job. I also remember I started hearing
voices. Voices such as Daniel were talking to me. Dogs were barking.
Horses were neighing. I became paranoid schizophrenic. I agree that
since I had molested a boy, maybe a relationship with another man
would suit my needs. I went to a gay bar one night and initiated
conversion with another guy. We had a few drinks and played some pool.
We then left the pool hall and went to another bar. Then we talked
about engaging in sexual activity.
We ended back up at my place and began to engage in mutual
masturbation with each other. He wanted to have anal sex with me but I
refused suggesting it was disgusting and unclean. He then masturbated
me so hard that I got sores on my penis. We climaxed together but I
was hurting from the experience. I proceeded to put antibacterial
lotion on my penis and prayed to God that if the sores healed, I would
not engage in sex with a man again. There was puss coming out of the
sores for a week and then the sores healed. At this time, I was fully
engaged in paranoid schizophrenia.
One time at work down in Florida, I was engaged in work. Then it hit
me. I was hearing voices and my manager came in and said that there
was a man caught taking a pail and standing on it and penetrating a
horse. He was caught and was in jail. The rest of the employees
laughed but I cried. I had been caught by the psychosexual analysis
team. How they got the information out of me, I do not know and it
remains a mystery. Well, I was laid off from the job after that
episode. I ended back at my place and called the lesbians stating I
had decided to go back home to my original state. They agreed. I then
began to drive back home. But I was paranoid and ended up in the
middle of the Florida panhandle when I should have been driving
northwest. I proceeded to attempt another suicide attempt. This time,
I took a razor and sliced my veins open in my arms. I lost about 2
pints of blood that had spilled into the back floor of my car. After
the blood stopped gushing, I proceeded to get out of my car and
collapsed. Another person found the state I was in and I ended up in
the psych ward. I was there about 2 months. I agreed with the
psychiatrist, if he would let me go, I would seek professional help in
my home state. He let me out.
I went back to my home state but didn't seek professional help. I
remained on the street living out of my car. I got a job but the job
only lasted 3 months and I was still paranoid schizophrenic. I ended
up going to my Aunt and she brought me to an AA club. I met the leader
of the AA club of which he was a self imposed street minister leading
a Bible study and leading the AA meeting. Morrie was his name. There
were a few episodes where Morrie would strut around his apartment
naked when I was there. We ended up having mutual masturbation
sessions and giving each other blowjobs.
There was one particular woman that had a boy about 2 years old. I
remember being at the AA club and trying any attempt to get my hands
down this boy's diaper and feeling his penis. There were a couple of
times where I did manage to rub his penis over his diaper. But the
paranoid schizophrenia raged its ugly symptoms and I was ready to give
in. I remember telling Morrie that I should go to the hospital. Morrie
agreed. We went to the hospital and I admitted that I had molested
Daniel and that I had attempted to molest the 2 year old boy.
I was put in the psych ward again for three months. They contacted the
authorities about my confession. I was 29 years old when this
happened. They gave me medication to control my paranoid schizophrenia
and ordered me into court. I had my court appearance and was found
guilty and ordered to seek psychosexual treatment, stay on
psychotropic medication, put on probation for 20 years, ordered to
give a DNA sample, and register as a sex offender, and see a probation
officer in the county I was living in.
I did all the court order me to do. I attended the psychosexual
treatment program and they taught me how to identify my red flags and
triggers that caused me to act on my perversion. They had me develop a
reoffense prevention plan, and I sought treatment through other
counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, and therapists. I completed
the program. I got out of the mental institution I was living in and
moved into a sheltered home for the mentally deranged with the attempt
to get back into society as a pedophile. I moved into the neighborhood
and began to live independently. I attended school for computer
programming of which I completed. I got a job as a computer programmer
for a respectable large firm.
I remember one time when the door bell rang. There was this boy about
5-6 years old asking for my roommate. I told him he was not home but
got the rush to invite this boy in and molest him. I resisted my rush
and let him go. But I continued to have attractions for boys.
I got a computer and discovered the internet in 1995. I remember
taking a couple of months to find the child pornography and discovered
the newsgroups. I found the newsgroups and began downloading pictures
of all sorts of boys with or without erections. Child pornography had
entered my life. My purpose was to lust over the pictures of these
boys engaged in sexual activity and masturbate to the pictures with
the goal of climaxing. This went on for a number of years.
Nobody knew I was doing this because I kept it in private. I got off
of probation after 6 years for good behavior and I had a respectable
job and was succeeding for the first time in my life. But I was still
guilty of breaking the law by harboring child pornography on my
computer and lusting after boys. I prayed to God and asked God to cure
me of my lust, my paranoid schizophrenia, and have me quit my
masturbation sessions.
Well time went on and I lost my job at the company in 2003. I stayed
on my medication for paranoid schizophrenia but then decided I could
not pay the insurance premiums. So I quit taking all my medication. I
prayed to God telling Him, "You made me, why am I the way I am?" I
blamed God for my circumstances and He heard my rebuke. During the
summer of 2004, I was off my medication, but I didn't hear voices or
hallucinate. I still had some residual paranoia of which I prayed to
God if he would break my paranoia, then I would follow him. I remember
getting very angry at my stepmother. I had on a number of occasions
where she and I engaged in a harsh and raging verbal confrontation. I
had also started going back to AA and working the steps of AA
properly. I felt I was coming out of my paranoid schizophrenia. But my
stepmother made a false allegation against me and I was put back in
the psych ward admitting I was not taking my medication. I was angry
with indignation but not harsh against the staff of the ward. They put
me back on medication and I was committed to the state hospital for 2
months.
I got out of the state hospital in January, 2005. I went to live in a
group home, but would intermittently skip taking my psychotropic
medication. I was caught and ordered back to the psych ward and
committed a second time to the state hospital. I was burning with
indignation anger but was coming out of my paranoid schizophrenia. I
worked the AA program and had a spiritual awakening like the 12th step
indicates. I went to live in another group home and things turned
worse on me. I was attempting to get off commitment and they accused
me of being a pedophile and should stay on commitment. Then I waited a
few weeks and went back to the court to get off commitment. The mental
court analyst was sympathetic and stated that my social worker was
making allegations against me and I would stay committed indefinitely.
He ordered me to get a full psychological evaluation by my
psychiatrist and come back to court.
I disagreed because I knew I was coming out of my paranoid
schizophrenia, I was not going to see my current psychiatrist because
he had told me there is no cure for paranoid schizophrenia. So I fled
the state the first of September, 2005 and headed out West.
I got my own place. I am happy and content. I have not been on
psychotropic medication since the last of August. There are no voices.
There are no hallucinations. There is no delusional thinking. There is
no urge to go on the internet and download pictures of boys. My
computer is purged of child pornography. There is no desire to
masturbate if I adhere to identifying my red flags and triggers that
cause me to masturbate. I have no need to look at pictures in any
child pornographic website, newsgroup, etc. I can still look at boys
today and say they are cute, but there is no urge or lust involved.
There is just the acknowledgement that the boys are cute. I don't look
at their crotch but look them straight in the eyes to attempt to make
eye contact with them and identify what they are doing. Then I will
wink if eye contact is made and we smile at each other. I let the boy
go on his way.
What has happened to my paranoid schizophrenia? What has happened to
my perversion of lust and masturbation? What has happened to my mental
derangement? In the Big Book of AA it states that if you do the 12
steps correctly you will have a spiritual awakening. There are many
stories in the book about people who were mentally ill but had been
healed and lead a satisfying life today. The Bible also has countless
verses in it promising from God that you will be healed if you
confess; give testimony to and of Jesus Christ and what He did for us.
I know I have been forgiven of my sins. I know that I will have
eternal life with Jesus Christ. I have prayed 6 times to verify that I
have salvation and all 6 prayers have been answered with a resounding,
"Yes." I have bowed before the cross 3 times and denounced my sin
before the empty cross and confessed I am a sinner.
I am patiently waiting until March, 2006 to see if my paranoid
schizophrenic symptoms come back. I have prayed about it and God has
answered my prayer that I can go back to my home state and sue the
state, the two hospitals for poisoning me with psychotropic medication
I did not need, accusing me of being mentally deranged and committing
me those 2 times that I did not deserve to be committed. God has
promised me that He will conquer for me.
But I am a greater sinner today than ever before. Having acknowledged
my guilt I felt over engaging in perversive activity, having
identified the red flags and triggers that cause me to think of the
perverse things I did in my life gives me the satisfaction that I am
one of the most horrific sinners walking this earth today. This causes
me to run away from sin when the temptation occurs. I give thanks,
praise, worship, honor, glory to Jesus Christ for what He did for me
in dying on the cross for my sins. I give the same to God for healing
me and protecting me and being by my side. I give thanks for the Holy
Spirit to continue to give me a bear hug continuously.
I can help you with your sexual perversion if you desire. Acknowledge
your sins by confession like I have done. I will be sympathetic and
petition God to take away your sins and ask God to begin the healing
process in you of your sexual perversion. Take that leap of faith
today.
Call 1-888-NEED-HIM or 1-888-633-3446
t Michael t G.D.
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