All,
Oh my God. Did you happen to see the lost episode the other night
about Carol? Here we thought she was lazy, with a maid to do
everything down to giving the kids enemas and wiping the BM (bowel
movements) off the walls. Turns out, Carol had the most critical
function in the world, and those writers left it out, feeling it wasn't
important to the script. Damn them!
It turns out the children's schools had VERY strict policies in place
about having BM's (bowel movements) at school. Spontaneous BM's (bowel
movements) were prohibited at all times. Any BM (bowel movement) at
school had to be made either before or after class, or only under
certain circumstances WITH A NOTE FROM THE PARENTS! The school had
very strict rules for the BM (bowel movement) permission notes, which
included:
1) Must be unique
2) Can not use one note to cover all the children
3) Must be 500 words
4) Must be handwritten
5) Must denounce yourself as a parent
All notes were put into a computer and checked with all the schools all
over this land. If any duplicates were found, the child was not
allowed to have their BM (bowel movement) at school that day, and had
to hold it in until they reached home. The school provided duct tape
to tape/hinge the bottom cracks together. This was nice; it helped the
children not to have their BM (bowel movement) at school. This worked
well.
The hard part, of course, was to determine which child may have a BM
(bowel movement) at school, and which child would either have their BM
(bowel movement) at home before they left, or have their BM (bowel
movement) after they came home from school.
Being the smart, intelligent woman that Carol was, she devised a
perfect system. Carol would rise every morning at about 3:45am to make
BM (bowel movement) checks. First, she would go to the boy's room.
Each child would be checked for the presence of a BM (bowel movement)
in the rectum. Greg was first. She would roll him over, pull his
pajama bottoms down, and insert her long middle finger into his anus.
If Carol felt BM (bowel movement) by the first knuckle, she knew the
child would be having a BM (bowel movement) when they woke up in the
morning. If she felt BM (bowel movement) by the second knuckle, she
knew that child would need an enema before they left for school, and
she would not need to write a note. If she did not feel a BM (bowel
movement) after the second knuckle, she knew the chance of her child
having a BM (bowel movement) at school were rather high and a note
would be needed.
Perhaps a typical morning yielded these results:
Marsha - BM (bowel movement) upon wakeup
Jan - BM (bowel movement) before school with help of enema
Cindy - BM (bowel movement) at school
Bobby - BM (bowel movement) upon wakeup
Greg - BM (bowel movement) upon wakeup
Peter Cindy - BM (bowel movement) at school
Yipes. Carol needed to write 2 BM (bowel movement) permission slips.
It was not about 4:15am in the morning, and Carol headed to the kitchen
table where she began to write the BM (bowel movement) permission
slips.
A typical note - like the one she would write for Peter may have gone
something like this...
(condensed note)
To Whom It May Concern,
Please allow my son Peter to have a BM (bowel movement) at school
today. I am a HORRIBLE mother. I should be spanked for not feeding my
son enough fiber so he would have his BM (bowel movement) at home, and
not have a BM (bowel movement) at school. I am a terrible person!
Good mother's assure their children have BM (bowel movements) at home
where they belong....
(and the note went on).
Very humbly sorry,
Carol Brady
Scum Mother
It was not until about 6:30am that Carol finished. She had a long time
to write the BM (bowel movement) permission slips this morning, as she
only had two. Carol would suffer from writers cramp and carpel tunnel
when she had to write 6 BM (bowel movement) notes for all the children.
So, now you see Carol was not the laziest person in the world. Carol
had the hardest task in the world to write all of those notes! She
deserved a maid!
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