JFK ETERNAL FLAME GOES OUT
Dubin – An Irish eternal flame honoring President
John F. Kennedy petered out on Wednesday, only
4 days after it was lit by Ireland’s Prime Minister,
causing embarrassed Dublin residents to roll their
eyes and JFK’s ancestors to roll over in their graves.
The fizzle-out of the eternal flame was especially
embarrassing because they had made a whole,
big “Olympic torch” to-do out of the lighting ceremony,
with an Irish honor guard carrying the flame in an
Olympics-style lantern from Arlington Cemetery
in Washington, D.C. across the Atlantic Ocean
by aircraft, then by Irish naval vessel to the
riverside town of New Ross.
Archbishop Gerhard Muller, prefect of the Congregation
of the Doctrine of the Faith, expressed a concern
that perhaps mankind was infringing on God’s
domain by presuming to light an “eternal” flame.
Other theologians speculated that an “eternal flame”
might be inappropriate as a means of honoring a good
man, since generally “eternal flames” are associated
with the flames of Hell that would normally be reserved
for JFK’s right-wing, mob-cozy, CIA-connected assassins.
The Right Honourable 1st Baron Lord Kelvin Thompson,
a research physicist in the field of thermodynamics
at Oxford University, questioned whether any “eternal”
flame could seriously be expected to survive the
thermodynamic “heat death” of the universe. This end
result of increasing entropy is predicted to take place
about 10^100-10^150 (10^100 = 1 googol) years after
the Big Bang, give or take a few 10^100.
In sharp contrast, the “flame-wars” on the alt.conspiracy.jfk
Usenet group continued burning brightly without missing
a beat, with Ben Holmes claiming that “Billy Clarke Ran Like
A Yellow Coward” and Jason Burke interjecting to say
“>> Hey Rossturd! Looks now like Hoffa was put through
a wood chipper!” The pointless debates continue
generating heat without light, despite the fact that
a surrealist poet had jumped into the mix and revealed
that the reason that JFK assassination could never be
solved was that it would be death-knell to the GOP,
due to the involvement of Nixon, Bush, and
former CIA director Allen Dulles.
Fortunately, flames at the JFK Library on Boston
Harbon last April were extinguished even more
quickly than the Dublin eternal flame. There had been
speculation on alt.conspiracy.jfk that maybe someone
was trying to rid of incriminating evidence.
Fortuitously also, the Dublin eternal flame was
quickly relit by Padraig O'Malley of the New Ross
council. O’Malley said that he had lots of experience
with this sort of thing, because he has a 34 year-old,
harvest-gold Magic Chef oven that doesn’t have one
of those fancy, new electronic ignitions, and has
an inefficient pilot light that frequently gets
clogged with grease. O’Malley said that he hopes
to replace the old pilot light, to conserve energy.
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